Parenting THE AF ROAMERICAN FAMILY Business ‘Military eo) BS ia | ge eh ne ge Mo (ag eae! | ie RT init Le. . a ath ae i created, * foamed, and society i+ all memhers accept their wherae and is character where source, infinite an ~£rom nourishment neceiving strengths different of haanches with tree nooted deeply are ethics Learned, ane values prerserved, cooperate share, and contribute toward responsibilities and work, of the good the group cekekhnated ane holidays where and gifts, knowkedged with with remembrances. fond each and Laughter thoughts feasting, of comfort find solace and in joy, and kindness nest, a sanctuary can where with and gone days in hanthdays grief, fy haven hankor of of of peace, pleasure encouragement in of all, and most Love. —NManny Feldman Nanrntage, Chikd alive kept Living a ac- Family, Counselor datky BLACK FAMILY From Before The Mayflower by Lerone "The black family By most Bennett, dr. in America was shaped by (a slave) system and by a breathtakingly creative response to (that) system. For in the violence and jation of one of the vilest systems created by man, American slaves - males females - created unique mating and marriage patterns that made it possible the black spirit to survive and grow. | far the ingenious of these patterns was the slave humiland for marriage, which was generally organized around the proverbial broomstick. We don't know, we may never know, the symbolic importance of this ceremony, but former slaves said couples usually celebrated their marriage by jumping over a broomstick. Georgianna Gibbs, who was a slave in Virginia, said the slaves jumped "a broom three times," but the procedure in Kentucky, another former slave said, was for Whatever the case,it was the man to jump the broom while the woman stood still. necessary, according to almost all observers, to jump high, for, according to Jeff Calhoun, who was a slave in Alabama, "to stump your toe on the broom meant you got trouble comin' ‘tween A revealing you." portrait Johnson Harrison, who was a slave one of the leaders of Slave Row. an' ‘cause marryin' back an' say we we Pray mo' all the from gonna one of these in Virginia, marriages was drawn married and who was by by Carolina Sue," "Ant "Didn't have to ask Marsa or nothin'," she said. "Just go to Ant Sue She tell us to think ‘bout it hard for two days, her you want to get mated. tell called of stay the was sacred in the eyes of done thought ‘bout it an' slaves together Then parents. live in if we was an' after an' sho' to pray lays a broomstick join our hands we wanted lots of the eyes of Jesus step into together. used to say whichever one touched holy the an' children to get married. 'In the fo' tasks have she After Jesus. still want to ‘cross we Fo' land union none the step 'Course of we an’ I went Then she two get days Mose married. of ‘em gets sold over it she ask God was that sill of the say yes. When matrimony.' gonna make. way house we Then we us she once step say, Was bad luck to touch the broomstick. ‘cross the broomstick, we was married. Folks always stepped high ‘cause they didn't want no spell cast on ‘em - Ant Sue the stick was gonna die first.." By almost all modern accounts, slave marriages were unusual institutions, In almost unencumbered by traditional considerations of property and paternalism. and other husband her with fields the in toiled who worker a was bride all cases the males. She thus entered marriage as a free system of equality of oppression) and she The marriage she and her mate consummated of the word. was was spirit free thus (within to opt a love the confines out when match in of a she wanted to. the true sense a It was customary until recently to suggest that slave men and women lived a life of riotous debauchery. But a pathfinding study by Professor Herbert G. Gutman (The Black Family in Slavery and Freedom) destroyed that myth and established four points that are central to an understanding of the slave community and the black family: 1. Most slaves lived in family units headed by a father and mother, and numbers of slaves lived in long marriages," some of thirty or more years. 2. Fathers were strong and respected members of the family circle, and male “large children 3. were often named Premarital sex for was their fairly fathers. common, although the slave community expected marry a premarital pregnancy to be followed by marriage. The slave community was more open - and more honest - about sex, but it did not approve or condone indiscriminate mating and begetting. More than that, the slave community expected males and females to remain faithful after marriage. Robert Smalls, who later served in the U.S. Congress, told the American Freedmen's Inquiry Commission in 1863 that “if a woman loses 4. slavery a half family unless In her she groupings husband, is driven - and that to she afterwards included mourns it by want a wide for - black range him and will not to help for a year marriage was buttressed by extended and must have of personal somebody relationships." her." and Vid YOoi Family Page (Part IT) 1 One can speculate marriage and famicy "ALL IN THE that it is because individually and which all experience persons collective family stress. the family linked to family is a matrix of external press and internal stress, measure coping growth Fete mechanisms that persons pressured--from whatever level--are in for rather clear as in of people other relationships Many times it's easier than talk out together. will punish, it to whether they listen to or cast out; For some people them to sink The inability to and within a family. listening pressure times the than the that we message lack with communication process to of perceive in persons within employ their feeling in stressed and facing up out from, rather some people to take it on the There are those who sometimes are pamper; praise, or or leave the to fact tied the than put situation that down; to not control entirely. it is and that easier for out to hear. Sometimes these self and one's prevents us really don't we part, toint of ouroin contributing sifting our or factor effectively a desire, We a major process, want one's is "filters" person threatens the to culminating various within it people relationships employ communication if is effectively Effective and or person growth listen don't pre-occupation others other flight when for of swim. stress impede the institutions The Sometimes problem. the provides interactions. the strengthen situation The the to relationship together. in is important this grow FAMILY" from a family for view, own want filters opinions. hearing the parts result This the that someof the from cripples other's to messege, a the leading to hear what they're saying.. requires an active caring for the other's message to be heard, the other even Oliver Family Page 2 It is important, then our biases and good communication. to reduce faim ly eteeee you say?" We and need to be said?" the relationship, ecress ere If that our message active family make or not, is important and are these we view examining them we often to family relationship, useful are the losurr.ount them so Crowkth can only seir-e:teem and the the way what I heard, say, say?" "What is it view", of to listening can did .O much I hear really what being "filtered" by another "I that not being heard." person feel I am in processes requiring that each the has really whether remember that our own message communication filtering gotten habits designed to protect ourselves against to be "too hot to handle." The the only way to live personal and collective the questigns need to be willing to a groundwork rather than as facilitate or any relationship, defenses that I that in of want out to get "points I is complex our self-clarification check perceive order to is of and to defenses in free effort primarily when ara "This are that "how say, listening an so do to and real a feel "What be information In levels: able we they aware Self-understanding must it consciously for we Talking the be pre-occupations, you in to I can have occur if we employ?” a "We" “Am and I existence disconfirming problem resist develops critically family lay growth, only asked: "Me, myself, ae need thovskts that can ericns - Be tolerant you cxpect people £230, “1 help of the are Willing to have balance other person for the same self-esteem. balance: look for the good people to be us maintain that of others and avoid to be perfect, you're going to be man 7 like.” He, of course, was could like, -He always found never met a Ca.r:.cleristics in others didn’t that he expecting between disappointed, OnLy personal in A few other perfect. If ill Rogers Jo-:ine for someiiine. Oliver Family Page 3 Life is with really problems positives. in pretty there is the Into each temptation So, tu,maintain ut van life to some enhence our equilibrium rain the MUG! £Oii 1:e bo ir ws negatives and it becomes necessary Y Peoed eliminate the to seek the good a situation. Ask the question, "Am receiving, never "One always flows remains, how the other Be optimistic, in short. yourself, like these successful. and person believe will give I whatever a giver or a giving, is like remains receiver?" a corrupts." A stagnant Have philosopher pool empathy in once which (try to said, whatever imagine feels.) accentuate the positive, reject negative in and believe in future. better chznrce others, a rehtionship a the to be thoughts, Holding happy, believe onto thoughts fulfilling, and LIFARING ECW DO YOU KiCW VEEN A PERSCN. IS. LISTENING LISTENINGVS HEARING Me uUncerecanding and Rearing, May not. TSCHNLOUES OF menert, <£) PURPOSES Or Oe -- listenin effort invo Listening is STENING purposes -- of -- may We speak of listening as LISTENING AND RESPONDING. if judgments, listening, erey are it most mental reading, LISTENING do enjoyment purely Speaking, igi from to peecteningy If lissten, trainees 3) sx11Lis »»--uisteninsc to Of letters. VesmiStening imsortant detect in ordér getting in understane purposes of lis- combination readv to well tearnine and of physical these result in lister, and grecess differences instguctions 4) in and ...Listening }-sbistening ».eListening emphasis, »..Listening for enjoyment, to inte Pree7 ds , tevereacu.&. te predict autcomes. to detect emotion-laden words, to react and inflection. to develcp mental imagery. ABOUT RNOW know the how to then. oe) Z2. 3. 6Listening cannot be forced listening cannot be measured accurate CO h./ fay tne Curation listening is a skill to be developed litetime s18te@ning.is related. to tie oattern of courtesy voice, as a motivation is essential to listening ® of a im- to scunds LISTENING: Ps Way ns fclliow THINGS 5. REMEMBER details learning sOMe m. TO follow a sequence of ideas. understand relationships. detect the main idea in a paragrapn. .,gurporting £) action, responses. ae to to to for nature Inticce: »-.-Listening ».-Listening »-eListening esebnstening 4) skill--but we really mean listening--may be further to.listen the decree cour will 1) the informa improvement ere: in effort. message, involving any likenesses to frem 1) of emotional, or purpose effi ciently. bv: nature it were one Responses to writing, SKILLS--listenine Cnly range to or 3) }s Exvvsyve - s from hearing Lastening taxes 1 ad. determined speaker, situation. LISTENING are Listenins COMMUNICATION is COMMUNICATION The process the includes COMMUNICATIOiv. PROCESS that and another behavior of information one person in the other person between understood and results which demonstrates his understanding. in a manner BARRIERS TO GOOD meaning transmits which recefver). (the to another information. receiving is mutually behaving COMMUNICATION: - CAUSED BARRIERS . SEDER all is the passing COMMUNICATION EFFECTIVE A. sender) (the from one person and of sending (1) (2) (3) SENDER is not clear about what he wants to accomplish. SENDER does not provide @ chance ror receiving feedback. SENDER fails to clarify message on basis of feecback from (4) SERLER RECEIVER, SENDER'S (5) experiences CAUSES and causes attitudes RECEIVcR are RECEIVER is a poor listener, therefore, of the message. RECEIVER jumps to conclusions. RECEIVE? a CM ae <> RECEIVER REGLIVtR Mentally OTHER ) ) ) hears to stop different listening. from those BARRIERS a PO ~ which a GW RECEIVER Wr — . C.. language of RECCIVER, , B. uses on] b wnat ne wanes tends to reject mecssace is enotional barriers. preoccupied. tO misinterprets heir. .that.con-radicts his For exampla, he may meaning beliefs. be BARRIERS Noise, temperature, other physical distractions. Inability to hear the message or inattention. SENDER-RECCIVER relationship (influences due to roles personality differences). and For strong women A strong woman is a woman who is straining. A strong woman is a woman standing on tiptoe and lifting a barbell while trying to sing Boris Godunov. A strong woman is a woman at work cleaning out the cesspool of the ages, and while she shovels, she talks about how she doesn't mind crying, it opens the ducts of the eyes, and throwing up develops the stomach muscles, and she goes on shoveling with tears in her nose. A strong woman is a woman in whose head a voice is repeating, I told you so, ugly, bad girl, bitch, nag, shrill, witch, ballbuster, nobody will ever love you back, why aren't you feminine, why aren't you soft, why aren't you quiet, why aren't you dead? A strong woman is a woman determined to do something others are determined not be done. She is pushing up on the bottom of a lead coffin lid. She is trying to raise a manhole cover with her head, she is trying to butt her way through a steel wall. Her head hurts. People waiting for the hole to be made say, hurry, you're so strong. A strong woman is a woman bleeding inside. A strong woman is a woman making herself strong every morning while her teeth loosen and her back throbs. Every baby, a tooth, midwives used to say, and now every battle a scar. A strong woman is amass of scar tissue that aches when it rains and wounds that bleed when you bump oe" ~ a4. ° 22 attrrd ed REIT So ~, a) mB. aay that get up ° ae Fx ‘ e "aes Se pie Pet ve tes Sy ones) eR ' eg > on 3 AP i ie Sa De | at ‘ os 3 ee: ae af | Aa te= them and memories in the night and pace in boots to and fro. e * o+ am From: The Moon is Always Female by Marge Piercy A strong woman Is a woman who craves love like oxygen or she turns blue choking. A strong woman is a woman who loves strongly and weeps strongly and is strongly terrified and has strong needs. A strong woman is strong in words, in action, in connection, in feeling; she is not strong as a stone but as a wolf suckling her young. Strength is not in her, but she enacts it as the wind fills a sail. What comforts her is others loving her equally for the strength and for the weakness from which it issues, lightning from a cloud. Lightning stuns. In rain, the clouds disperse. Only water of connection remains, flowing through us. Strong is what we make each other. Until we are all strong together, a strong woman is a woman Strongly afraid. CHECK Personal WORKING way? God's healthy I Do I manage Do I take Do-It. eo) £67" Do I turn from temptation? Do I do my best in Am I a hermit? I tamed Love? habits? speech my mind? time for TOWARD REALIZING MY POTENTIALITY? 3:1,2) (Prov. Supportive Do TI have Cbrov.s 14532) my job? my tongue? myself clean Family Do I keep Do I compliment often? Oe 1 Say you" Do I discuss sexual ways my 5 KH LS discuss to Am I teaching Do I give Am I faithful, Do I have Do I nurture in Do I share Am I holding up my Am I leading the way smelling? feelings and desires? share household often? chores? self-discipline? toward trustworthy? and quiet the way of faith with gentle my sweet children? guidelines a and end in spirit? Lord? the them? of the duties? sharing a companionship? meditation? ww) O oo I Am Have the AM Growth Good In LIST: responsibilities? positive attitude? /| Do I do good deeds? ~ In the Church Do I have Do I demonstrate Am I discreet? the a positive welcome Bo ae In || my attitude? what I'm to communicate? visitors? DO" F do Do F have an humble spirit? DO +2 respect myself and work cheerfully? others? Community encourage De RS others? VO. 1 seek to understand Do «2 show that DO: £ make things I differences like myself? better by Mamie ©. Consulting J trying my having in people? been Oliver Services there? , tHe Corganizational Pianning > Personal ¢ Farmily Counseling) 3590 Soutn Cole Boise, Idaho (208) B2O-1257 Road or 23709 385-1782