JOURNEY TO BECOMING WHO I WAS ALWAYS MEANT TO BE by Michelle Flanary Gosh A project submitted in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of MASTERS OF EDUCATION IN CURRICULUM AND INSTRUCTION WEBER STATE UNIVERSITY Ogden, UT April 6, 2020 Approved Stephanie Speicher, Ph.D. Melina Alexander, Ph.D. Louise Moulding, Ph.D. Running head: JOURNEY TO BECOMING 2 Acknowledgments To say that I did this paper on my own would be a misrepresentation and completely unfair. There is no way I could have gotten through this process alone. There is also no way that I could ever repay those that have assisted and supported me on this journey. However, I would at least like to express my sincere gratitude in writing that will last much longer than words on the wind. First, I want to thank my family, especially my mom and dad. I grew up in a large family with loving, hardworking, dedicated, strong, faithful parents and fourteen, just as wonderful, siblings. Growing up, we did not have a lot of money, but I always had what I needed and somehow even more. More than anything though, I was honestly and deeply loved. I honestly do not know if I will ever be able to forgive myself for forgetting that over the words of someone I did not know as well as my family. There is no amount of “I’m sorry” or “thank you” that I could say or do to give back to my family for never giving up on me and not telling me to go fly a kite when I finally came home. Plus, ever since I came home, they have been my biggest cheering section. Just as the song states, they are “the wind beneath my wings”. Second, friends are the family you choose. From the voices in my head to the welcoming arms when I came back, my friends have played a key part in helping me remember who I truly am. The friends that I was lucky and blessed enough to have during my marriage, saved me. They kept me sane, kept me going, and supported the voices of past friends and family in my head that kept me from being consumed by the darkness of no hope and worthlessness. They helped keep my self-worth candle burning until I could get my identity electricity back on. Third, I would not be here if it were not for the first principal who took the chance on an unlicensed teacher with a broken past and a desire to make a new life. He was willing to give me Running head: JOURNEY TO BECOMING 3 a break when others would not and got me into the teaching program at Weber State University. He had a huge part in me being able to become the person I was always meant to be and make a better life for my kids and myself. He also selected my mentor who not only showed me the ropes and guided me through the many aspects of being a teacher, but she was also a major supporter of my life situations and became a true eternal friend. Thank you, Andy, and Carrie! Next, I need and want to extend the hand of gratitude to all my professors in the education department at Weber State University. They get what a non-traditional student means and were always willing to work with me no matter the question or issue. I more specifically want to thank three specific professors. First, Dr. Nadia Wrosch, thank you for taking on the challenge and reins to help create and drive the post-baccalaureate teaching certificate program. There is no way it was easy, but thank you for paving a way for my journey that changed my life. Second, I want to thank Dr. Stephanie Speicher. You introduced me to autoethnography and the key to open my mental jail cell. I am a stronger, happier woman because of your guidance and support. I could not have made it through this process without you. The third thank you goes to Dr. Louise Moulding. I have had you more times as a professor than anyone else, and I have to admit, I was intimidated at the beginning. I was so nervous to ask you for help when I fell behind in the first class, but my nerves were quickly put to rest after I met with you. You bent over backward to meet with me and even when our meeting got cut short because I had to rush back to help my daughter (who ran away from her dad’s house), you did not hesitate to meet with me again. It was in the second meeting that it was decided I should change my thesis. You lifted my heart and hopes that day; I felt empowered and back on track. You and Dr. Speicher continued to stoke my fire of optimism, in spite of my never-ending personal dramas, by your encouragement Running head: JOURNEY TO BECOMING 4 and hopeful extensions. Thank you, ladies, for helping me find the tools to figure out my identity puzzle. Last, but not least, I want to thank my kids: Joel, Andrew, Katimae, Karilynn, Emilianne, and Emma. You are the reasons I am alive and you have always been my motivation to get up every morning and keep going, trying, and doing my best. You have seen and been through more than any kids should ever have to endure, and you have handled it amazingly. It has been my ultimate pleasure of being your mom. I am a better person because of all of you. Honestly, I hope I can return the favor (big smiles). You have been so forgiving and patient with me during the time that I have been going to school. My life’s true inspiration has been you! JOURNEY TO BECOMING 5 Table of Contents NATURE OF THE PROBLEM...………………………………………………………………...8 Literature Review…………………………………………………………………………9 Personal Identity….…………………………………………………………….….9 Distorted Identity.…………….….……………………………………………….11 A Distorted Identity Hinders Full Potential......……………………………….….14 Repairing A Distorted Identity...….……………………………………………...15 Student Becomes the Teacher………….…………………………………………19 PURPOSE………………………………………………………………………………………. 23 METHOD………………………………………………………………………………...……...25 Instruments.…………………………………………………………………….………...26 Procedure………………………………………………………………………………...26 IDENTITY GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT……...………………………………………...29 Key Learnings……………………………………………………………………………29 Shame and Fear.………………………………………………………………….30 Hope and Spirituality…………………………………………………………….41 Empowering Actions…...............………………………………………………………...43 Support Systems………………………………………………………………….44 Courage…………………………………………………………………………...46 Own My Story-Changing the Narrative….……………………………………….48 Becoming A Better Teacher and Empowering My Students…………………………….49 Compassion and Understanding………………………………………………….50 Advocate………………………………………………………………………….52 JOURNEY TO BECOMING 6 Resilience…………………………………………………………………………53 Conclusion……………………………………………………………………………….55 REFERENCES………………………………………………………………………………......60 JOURNEY TO BECOMING 7 Abstract For a person who has been in an abusive or oppressive relationship to move forward and heal, they need to find their purpose in life and rebuild their self-identity. As a person who has been through an Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) relationship, in this study, I have investigated my narrative, interviews of people that have known me before, during, and after my relationship, journal entries, and some of my university papers to demonstrate the whole picture from oppression to recovery. The analysis of the materials reveals a progression from a victim of a broken identity to a recovering empowered teacher. The progression is broken down into three main parts: Key Learnings, reveals my distorted identity; Empowering Actions, uncovers key tools of healing and putting my identity back together; and Becoming A Better Teacher And Empowering My Students, illustrates that finding my purpose in life as a teacher has allowed me to use what I learned from being in and recovering from an IPV relationship to empower myself and my students. JOURNEY TO BECOMING 8 NATURE OF THE PROBLEM Throughout life, there are pivotal experiences or roles that shape, shift, or change a person’s identity, such as going to college, getting married, having a baby, or changing careers to name a few. These experiences can be either positive or negative, but either way, each experience or role expect things of people, and how they respond reflects their values and who they are. (Heshmat, 2014; Oyserman, Elmer, & Smith, 2012). There are some life experiences so traumatic that it is nearly impossible to find the moral lesson to improve a person’s identity. People who are abused or oppressed may have a distorted sense of identity, which prevents them from moving forward or progressing in a positive, constructive direction in their lives (Anderson, Renner & Danis, 2012). In the case of abuse, the trauma produces a negative shift in self-identity causing a decline in self-worth and self-love. This decline is caused by the tearing down and demoralizing of a person’s self instead of feeling supported and building confidence (Heshmat, 2014). Time plays a key role; the longer this diminished self-identity exists, the deeper one goes to a place of darkness and loneliness. Climbing out of this dark place is possible but very challenging. If the distorted identity in the oppressed or abused is not changed to a more positive narrative, then the individual will not be capable of making the contributions they would otherwise have been capable of making in their lives, and the lives of others; whether in their workplace or their relationships (Javaherian-Dysinger & Underwood, 2017). Being overly focused on one’s troubles and traumas make it difficult and, in some cases, even impossible to see and help someone else in need (Matheson, Daoud, Hamilton-Wright, Borenstein, Pedersen, & O’Campo, 2015). The motivation and energy of the abused most often are too low for them to put their full efforts into their work responsibilities. They also have a lack of focus because their JOURNEY TO BECOMING 9 mind is drawn to their problems, which leads to a lack of patience toward others (Peled & Gil, 2011). It is vital for individuals who have experienced trauma, that has caused poor self-identity, to get help from outside sources that have a different perspective. This will help refocus attention on positive aspects of their life that they cannot currently see (Matheson et al., 2015). Seeing the positive aspects helps the individual take traumatic memories and write new positive endings. Building these new positive outcomes allows them the ability to draw out the moral lessons that will shape their positive self-identity and the purposes of their life. This leads a person to ask, “What can I share with someone else to help them not make the same mistake(s)?” this mind shift of identity moves one from being a burden to lifting the burdens of others. For some people, having a mind shift leads them to a purpose in life of being a teacher. The motivation to educate students affects the type of teacher a person becomes (Pop & Turner, 2009). Teachers have a unique opportunity to not only teach the standard curriculum but to also help teach students to identify a moral lesson from personal experiences that build positive self-identity. However, being a teacher not only provides opportunities to serve others and make a positive difference in the lives of the students by teaching them as a whole person but also allows a person to have a flexible enough schedule to be able to take care of their family which helps the teacher with their positive self-identity (Olsen, 2008). Literature Review Personal Identity I look at identity like a puzzle. It seems to me that everyone is born with a puzzle inside of them, and they assemble their puzzle as they grow and experience life. Mitchell and Black (1995), state that a person’s personality (part of their identity) is created through the joining of JOURNEY TO BECOMING 10 the influence of the environment a person is born into and the physical/psychological defenses they are born with. Therefore, because each individual is different and on a journey of developing and discovering their identity, I would say that no two puzzles are the same. If a person is asked, “Who are you?” they usually answer with their name, but a name alone cannot encompass an individual. In Shakespeare’s play, Romeo and Juliet (Folger Shakespeare Library, n.d.), Juliet struggles when she finds out Romeo’s family name. She monologues a differentiation between Romeo, the person, and his name. She states that he is so much more than his name. Without his name, he would still be the same man she loves. Juliet is right. A person’s identity is more than their name. For years theorists have been investigating and trying to make sense of what identity is and how it is developed. Anna Freud (1993) even referred to her father’s work regarding identity exploration with the selfish id, the moral gatekeeper superego, and the peacekeeper between the two, ego. Eventually, researchers put all their focus on the ego and its ability to help a person adapt to conflicting situations inside and outside their mind. This focus became known as ego psychology (Freud, 1993; Mitchell & Black, 1995). Eric Erikson, an ego psychologist, stretched the ego research into the psychosocial theory, which essentially covers a person’s entire life span (Mitchell & Black, 1995). Psychosocial theory indicates that a person’s identity is not defined by one thing nor one moment in time. A person can have many identities at the same time such as a friend, parent, and teacher (Heshmat, 2014). Identities are created and driven by a core system made up of a person’s values, morals, and beliefs (Heshmat, 2014; Mitchell & Black, 1995). Everything a person chooses to do or say comes from their identity core and likewise a person’s choices can, in turn, affect their identity (Heshmat, 2014; Oyserman et al., 2012). JOURNEY TO BECOMING 11 According to Oyserman, et al., (2012), “Identities are the traits and characteristics, social relations, roles, and social group memberships that define who one is” (p. 69). This formation of identity starts at birth. The culture, race, ethnic group, or nationality into which the child is born, typically affect how parents or guardians raise their children and therefore influence that child’s identity. As children grow, these aspects of background will continue to influence and define the child’s identity, but other things will start to shift and shape their identity as well. Identifying interests and talents, identifying and seeking jobs and careers, following a religion, and engaging in relationships add pieces to the puzzle of identity. Influences help individuals choose who they are. Therefore, identity is a product of choice and choice is a product of identity: “…the self is both a product of situations and a shaper of behavior in situations” (Oyserman, et al., 2012, p. 70). Once a person understands what identity is, they are responsible for being more involved in the development of their identity (Heshmat, 2014). Heshmat (2014) identifies three steps that positively influence the formation of identity. The first step is to develop personal potential. This involves making a conscious effort to find the skills in which one excels. This process requires a person to step out of their comfort zone to see what they are good at by trying a variety of things. This step requires patience and dedication. The second step is for a person to figure out what their purpose in life is. The selection of their purpose in life should be in alignment with their skills, talents, and abilities; otherwise, they may develop negative feelings and a sense that their life is unfulfilled. The final step is that a person must seek and keep their eyes open for opportunities to implement the first two steps. Finding and living a person’s true identity will open up a state of mind of fulfillment and happiness (Heshmat 2014). Distorted Identity JOURNEY TO BECOMING 12 Stories usually have a moral (lesson that teaches how to be a better person) the reader can find and learn. Finding a moral lesson in a person’s life story that improves their identity can almost be impossible to find due to experiencing a long-lasting traumatic life experience (Anderson et al., 2012). One of these traumatic experiences is domestic violence, also known as intimate partner violence (IPV) which is defined as any physical, sexual, and/or physiological abuse and may also include stalking by a current or former intimate partner (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2018; U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2018; U.S. Department of Justice, 2019). Tjaden and Thoennes (2000) in their report to the U.S. Department of Justice went further to describe abuse as essentially the behavior that an individual will use to dominate and control their partner. Also, IPV may include imprisonment, humiliation, denying access to financial resources, shelter, or services (Tjaden & Thoennes, 2000). Because IPV is not just a onetime occurrence like a natural disaster, the trauma that a person incurs through IPV is distinctively different from other traumas (Hafstad, Gil-Rivas, Kilmer, & Raeder, 2010). The trauma that people who are abused or oppressed experience creates a distorted sense of identity, which prevents them from moving forward or progressing in a positive, constructive direction in their lives (Anderson et al., 2012). Experiencing a recurring traumatic event like abuse can cause negative, long term issues. These issues range from physical health problems, substance abuse, mental health problems, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression, increased levels of anxiety, sexual dysfunctions, and eating disorders (Anderson et al., 2012; Matheson et al., 2015; Cobb, Tedeschi, Calhoun, & Cann, 2006). Essentially, these issues are types of defense mechanisms that the mind creates to survive (Matheson et al., 2015). The mind either isolates unpleasant issues, seeks other ideas for comfort, or stays on alert for exaggerated increments of time. As a result, the abused loses a healthy perspective of their self-identity and JOURNEY TO BECOMING 13 their situation (Hafstad et al., 2010). “The most powerful tool of an oppressor is the mind of the oppressed. If someone can convince us that we are not good enough, not smart enough, and not capable enough, then oppression becomes pretty permanent inside our heads” (Brokenleg, 2012, p. 11). If a person cannot see the whole picture of what is happening to them regarding their traumatic experience, they may know or feel something is wrong, but cannot figure out how to change it and, therefore, will keep repeating the same behaviors or stay in a bad situation (Hafstad et al., 2010). Individuals in a relationship with IPV usually struggle to recognize what is going on in their life. Victims of IPV have a mindset trained by the abuser as part of their psychological abuse that what is happening to them (the victim) is their fault. The victim then experiences a further decrease in their self-esteem and self-efficacy which has a direct link to mental well-being (Anderson et al., 2012). This makes permanently leaving their bad situation very difficult (Chang et al., 2010; Enander & Holmberg, 2008; Scheffer Lindgren & Renck, 2008; Tjaden & Thoennes, 2000). Deciding to leave an IPV relationship is also more complicated if the victim faces homelessness and financial difficulty, or has the fear of losing custody of children (Amanor-Boadu et al., 2012). Another reason the abused have difficulty leaving is that they feel they are not worthy of possible relationships in the future because they are “damaged goods” (Matheson et al., 2015, p. 565). Abuse robs a person of their logical thought process (Javaherian-Dysinger & Underwood, 2017). Instead of a person seeing themselves as they are, the abused are demoralized the contorted view of the abuser (Brokenleg, 2012). The type, extent, and severity of the abuse as well as the age of the individual when the abuse starts all affect the severity of the deteriorated JOURNEY TO BECOMING 14 self-identity (Dutton, 2009). The longer a person is in a diminished state of self-identity the more damaged and depressed the person will be. (Anderson et al., 2012; Matheson et al., 2015). Dutton (2009) pointed out that physical abuse has an immediate negative impact on a person’s health, but it is abuse that is psychological that has a complex, long term impact on mental health. Those who experience IPV have a higher rate of mental health issues and a higher rate of depression than the rest of the population (Matheson et al., 2015). This is because when a person is controlled by their partner through dominance and manipulation, they experience diminished self-esteem and self-identity due to feelings of confusion, emotional loneliness, despair, anger, guilt, sadness, isolation, and degradation (Childress, 2013). A Distorted Identity Hinders Full Potential An individual who is oppressed or abused can more fully make contributions in their personal life or workplace if their false identity is rewritten to a more positive narrative (Anderson et al., 2012). Being in an IPV relationship requires survival and is a constant drain on emotional and physical resources which does not leave enough energy for a person to live properly and is a part of the deconstruction of the victim’s identity (Matheson et al., 2015). The breaking down of identity leads to what Matheson et al. (2015) coined as ‘feeling paralysis’ (p. 564). Feeling paralysis means that the victim has a drastic drop in motivation and the capability to fulfill basic tasks (Matheson et al., 2015). Between feeling paralysis and the control an abuser has over their victim, there is a limit to the occupations in which the victim can participate in. Even if a victim has left the IPV relationship, the survivor may still struggle to properly perform in occupations, financial management, social interactions, education, and home management - including taking care of children (Javaherian-Dysinger & Underwood, 2017). IPV has been reported to make it very difficult for mothers to meet their infants’ and children’s emotional and JOURNEY TO BECOMING 15 social needs (Peled & Gil, 2011; Scheffer Lindgren & Renck, 2008) because they spend so much of their time and focus on protecting the children from the abuse (Chang et al., 2010; Enander & Holmberg, 2008). Because of the false sense of identity, the abused have a hard time fully functioning in reality (Matheson et al., 2015). Motivation and energy, most often, are too low for them to put forth their full efforts. Individuals in one study reported haunting effects in their ability to concentrate, make decisions, be able to follow directions, problem solve, and tolerate negative emotions due to trauma symptoms that kept coming up (Andersons et al., 2012). There was also a lack of focus because their mind was drawn to their problems. The frequency of these feelings partnered with the feelings of worthlessness chipped away at self-identity and create obstacles to changing one’s circumstance. Repairing A Distorted Identity Although IPV relationships are destructive to the self-identity of those who have been victims, it does not have to define them (Anderson et al., 2012). In fact, despite all the negative issues that IPV victims have to deal with, it is also possible for them to experience some sort of positive personal/psychological growth (Anderson et al., 2012). Psychological growth can happen when individuals positively adapt through and after trauma (Benard, 2004; Bonanno & Diminich, 2013). Perseverance through such harsh circumstances requires resilience. Resilience is the result of a person being able to strengthen themselves through the process of utilizing their internal resources to combat unforgiving circumstances in their life (Anderson et al., 2012; Benard, 2004; Shanthakumari, Chandra, Riazantzeva & Stewart, 2014). Resilience creates survivors. According to Javaherian-Dysinger & Underwood (2017), a survivor is an individual who is currently in an abusive relationship or a person who has overcome abuse, “because it is JOURNEY TO BECOMING 16 more empowering and denotes the strength and courage needed to endure as well as leave the abusive relationship” (p. 2). Even though victims can have some psychological growth while still in an IPV relationship, the majority of the growth happens after the victim leaves the relationship (Cobb et al., 2006). Despite the pain and distress caused by the abuser, it is still challenging for the abused to leave the relationship. Research has discovered that for a victim to transition into leaving, realizations or turning points need to occur (Chang et al. 2010; Enander & Holmberg, 2008; Scheffer Lindgren & Renck, 2008). These turning points can be anything from a partners affair (Chang et al. 2010), a decrease or increase of personal resources (Amanor-Boadu, Messing, Stith, Anderson, O’Sullivan & Campbell, 2012; Enander & Holmberg, 2008), fear of self or children being killed (Amanor-Boadu et al., 2012; Chang et al. 2010; Enander & Holmberg, 2008; Scheffer Lindgren & Renck, 2008), or reaching a breaking point where the abused simply cannot take the abuse any longer (Enander & Holmberg, 2008). Regardless of the reason why the victim chooses to leave, it is what happens after the leaving that brings the greatest potential for psychological growth and the rebuilding of their identity (Anderson et al., 2012; Cobb et al., 2006). Just as there is a mental process the abused goes through to get out of their negative situation, there is also a process of rebuilding that must go on for them to stay away and recover (Javaherian-Dysinger & Underwood, 2017). Before discussing the important elements that are crucial to a victim's recovery, it is vital to note that this journey of repair is not immediate, it takes time. Time plays a key role; the longer the diminished self-identity, the deeper one goes to a place of darkness and loneliness (Cobb et al., 2006). After a victim leaves the IPV relationship, time plays a key role again: the longer the victim is away from the abuser and the abuser’s JOURNEY TO BECOMING 17 control, the more psychological growth can be achieved (Cobb et al., 2006). In addition to time, a victim needs the following elements to successfully stay away from the abuse and recover with increased psychological growth: strong social support (Anderson et al., 2012; Cobb et al., 2006; Shanthakumari et al., 2014; Song, 2012); personal character traits that promote self-confidence (Anderson et al., 2012; Kunst et al., 2010; Shanthakumari et al., 2014); and religious/spiritual/inspirational influence (Anderson et al., 2013; Drumm et al., 2014; Shanthakumari et al., 2014). The first element in recovery is social support (Anderson et al., 2012; Cobb et al., 2006; Shanthakumari et al., 2014; Song, 2012). The abused must seek help outside of themselves and their situation. Working through the effects of abuse is difficult and should not be done alone. These social supports could be co-workers, friends, family, neighbors, counselors, domestic violence shelters, and support groups. Having people to talk with and who can help the victim see positive things about themselves and their life is an important part of healing (Matheson et al., 2015). Anderson et al. (2012) declare that social support during the first two years after leaving an abusive relationship is the most crucial in recovery and that professionals need to help the victim figure out who in their life is support and strengthen those connections. The second element is developing positive personal character traits that promote confidence, which is imperative in the process of recovery (Anderson et al., 2012; Kunst et al., 2010; Shanthakumari et al., 2014). These traits can be discovered through the writing of the victim's narrative story with positive outcomes of healing from the trauma under the guidance of a counselor (Anderson et al., 2012). In referencing the narrative in the rebuilding of personal strength and identity, Matheson et al. (2015) stated that some of the women in their study focused on the ‘self’ in their recovery, for example, self-evaluation, self-awareness, self-morals, JOURNEY TO BECOMING 18 self-reflection, self-worth, and self-respect. These traits were capable of increasing other traits such as optimism, hope, and gratitude which are all part of psychological growth. The victims that implement these traits have a higher capability to adapt to different life situations, especially after a traumatic experience and once the victim recognizes this in themselves, they develop self-empowerment (Song, 2012). Self-empowerment continues to grow and strengthen through the third element of recovery, which is religious/spiritual/inspirational influence (Anderson et al., 2013; Drumm et al., 2014; Shanthakumari et al., 2014). “Spirituality and corresponding religious beliefs played an important role in participants’ recovery by giving them the strength to prevail, uncovering the benefits of their suffering, and giving their lives purpose” (Anderson et al., 2012, p. 1289). Having a spiritual perspective, belief in God or a higher power has helped many victims find the strength to leave an abusive relationship and continue to move forward believing that the higher power will assist them along the way (Anderson et al., 2012; Drumm et al., 2014). Through a victim’s spiritual journey, they realize that they had an internal source of strength that helped them to survive, which then increases their spiritual awareness (Matheson et al., 2015). A product of the spiritual awareness is the victim finding inspiration for the future and the desire to work toward achieving their life goals such as getting an education or finding a satisfying career (Song & Shih, 2010). This spiritual element also brings out in the victim the desire to share with others in similar IPV situations their story and what they have learned. Survivors understand that “this is a unique experience and that because of that experience the woman has something unique to offer to others that can be quite powerful and self-affirming” (Matheson et al., 2015, p. 566). This leads a person to ask themself, “What could be shared with someone else to help them not JOURNEY TO BECOMING 19 make the same mistake(s)?” this mind shift of identity moves one from being a burden to lifting the burdens of others. Student Becomes the Teacher In addition to sharing their stories with others in similar IPV situations, some desire to continue lifting the burden of others in satisfying service careers such as a position in the medical field, social work, or teaching. For this paper, the focus will be on a career as a teacher. The teachers that are the most effective are the ones that have found moral lessons from their life experiences that have positively shaped their identity. Olsen (2008) describes teacher identity in the following way: The sociocultural model of identity considers that people are both products of their social histories, and--through things like hope, desperation, imagining, and mindfulness--move from one subjectivity to the next, from one facet of their identity to another, and can in some limited sense choose to act in certain ways considered by them to be coherent with their own self-understandings. (p. 24) A person needs to understand their motivations in becoming a teacher because those reasons will affect the type of teacher they are. How a person feels about themselves as a teacher in the classroom, how long a person stays in the profession of a teacher, and how well they do as a teacher determines how a person views their professional level. (Hong, 2010; Mahan, 2010). Thomson (2013), and Thomson & Palermo (2014) studies supported Pop & Turner’s (2009) finding that enthusiastic teachers’ motivation stems from “identity issues, beliefs, opportunities, and emotions” (p. 695). Every teacher shares a similar base reason for choosing the teaching profession, such as social utility values like service to others and making a difference (Brokenleg, 2012; Gabbard, JOURNEY TO BECOMING 20 2011; Watt & Richardson, 2008, 2012; Whitcomb, Borko, Liston, 2008), and personal utility values like flexibility with family demands (Butt, MacKenzie, & Manning, 2010; Olsen, 2008; Watt & Richardson, 2008, 2012) that motivated them to become a teacher, but every teacher has their own personal narrative twist to how those motivations came about and how they effected their decision to become a teacher. This also very much includes those working to be teachers that are on the journey of healing and rebuilding their identity after an IPV relationship. Everyone wants to be remembered (Gabbard, 2011), but more than that everyone, including students, wants to be cared for despite any shortcomings they have (Brokenleg, 2012). Any good teacher knows that students may not always remember what their teacher taught them, but they will always remember how the teacher made them feel (Brokenleg, 2012; Palmer, 2003). Students need teachers to believe in them when they struggle to believe in themselves. Therefore, for a teacher to truly serve and make a difference in a student's life, the teacher needs to teach the whole person including values and ethics regarding real-world situations by using spiritual and psychological methods like classroom reflection with guided visualization and journaling (Whitty & Koeplin, 2011). Whitty & Koeplin (2011) claim that doing this reduces stress for the students and teacher and creates “A heart-centered teaching style” which “enhances mental clarity, empathy, stamina, and confidence, all of which are needed in education, training and career” (p.24). Whitcomb et al. (2008) take the approach of transformative education taken from Mark Edmundson (2004) regarding how a person learns who they are and who they can become: …an education that challenges students to consider their central or ultimate values by posing critical questions about what they value and how they ought to live. It does so in a way that fuses thinking and feeling; posits the presence of and faith in an inner self; and JOURNEY TO BECOMING 21 points that self on a path to discovering truths that can guide this process of creating a life. (p. 5) A teacher cannot effectively challenge a student to discover their inner self (identity) if the teacher has not done it themselves (Oyserman et al., 2012). Once a teacher can break down their walls and recognize where they fall short, then they can better access and help students with theirs (Palmer, 2003). Teachers have a unique opportunity to build a relationship of trust with their students to assist them in the inventing of their identities. To work through this process, a teacher must be open and sensitive to the needs, questions, and goals of the students (Whitty & Koeplin, 2011). It is also important for the teacher to understand, so they can help their students understand that personal growth is not a onetime occurrence, nor is it usually a smooth transition, but it is nothing to back away from and no one has to go through it alone (Whitcomb et al., 2008; Whitty & Koeplin, 2011). Helping students in their education journey of establishing their self-identities is very rewarding, but it is not the only reason educators choose teaching as a carrier. The flexibility of time and schedule allows for teachers to be able to attend to their family demands and needs (Butt, et al., 2010; Olsen, 2008; Watt & Richardson, 2008, 2012). After giving birth, if a woman decides that she wants to take time away from teaching to raise a family and then come back later, she can (Olsen, 2008). Also, if a teacher has school-aged children, the teacher is primarily working when the children are in school, so there is not a high need to acquire or pay for childcare. Teaching is a family-friendly career. Identity is who a person defines themself to be. When that is compromised by traumatic experiences like IPV, identity crumbles. Overcoming poor self-identity due to abuse is very difficult, but possible (Anderson et al., 2012; Bernard, 2004; Danzer, 2011; Matheson et al., JOURNEY TO BECOMING 22 2015). It takes work and time, but when implementing the elements of recovery such as social support, personal character traits that promote self-confidence, and spiritual influence, a victim will find themself on the pathway of rediscovering who they are and find purpose in their life. For some, they find their purpose in life as a teacher. As a teacher, there is a unique opportunity to help teach students a healthy way to develop their identity. This process can be empowering for both the student and the teacher. JOURNEY TO BECOMING 23 PURPOSE Conversations about abuse and oppression are more socially acceptable today. More and more people talk about and share stories of abuse. This openness precipitated more educational resources to be created and distributed to abuse victims and supporters. As we learn more about abuse and oppression in relationships, we are empowered to do something about it. There have been studies and articles written about why people have stayed in an abusive relationship or why they left one and in fact, some of those articles share snippets of survivors' accounts. However, I did not find any articles that take a single subject (person) and follow their whole journey from oppression to recovery. Part of recovery is finding a purpose in life because finding a purpose gives a person motivation and strength to be the person they are meant to be and not go back to an oppressive relationship (Anderson, 2012; Heshmat, 2014). It takes a lot of inner strength to pull away from an abusive relationship and rebuild one’s self to find purpose in life. This is a journey that takes time and education, and it cannot be done alone. Through my journey of healing from an IPV relationship, I found my purpose in life through teaching. With tools of autoethnography, in regards to the purpose of this research paper, I explored and shed a personal light of healing, self-discovery, and identity to positively teach, influence and empower me, my students, and hopefully others who may be struggling with the effects of an IPV relationship. Through this journey, I addressed the following questions: 1. What have I learned from my experience in an IPV relationship? 2. How has what I have learned empowered me? 3. How can what I have learned help me empower my students? Education is power. The more a person is educated and knows, the more they are empowered to do something to better their situation or help someone else to better theirs. JOURNEY TO BECOMING 24 Therefore, by addressing these questions in my project I aimed to better educate myself on where I have been, how I got to be the person I am today, and got a stronger conviction to never go back. Once I mapped my journey, I was in a better place to help empower my students to learn to navigate their journeys of self-discovery and identity. JOURNEY TO BECOMING 25 METHOD The method used for this qualitative research was autoethnography, which is a blend of autobiography (analysis of self) and ethnography (analysis of culture) (Ellis, 2004). Because this research uses the researcher’s personal experiences as the primary data, the researcher must be able to dig deep into their memories of experiences and be willing to expose their sensitive, personal life experiences out in the world for examination and investigation. Depending on how much is focused on the researcher’s self, their interactions with others, and the analysis, determine the type of approach used. Because I analyzed my ‘self’ in the culture of Intimate Partner Violence (IPV), also known as domestic violence, I used the approaches of personal narrative: evocative stories written about the researcher’s experiences in their personal life that help to focus on understanding where they fit in a particular cultural surrounding, or how they relate to others in the same or similar situation (Ellis, 2004; Goodall, 2006; Poulos, 2008); and some reflexive dyadic interviews: a discussion between the researcher and the interviewee in which thoughts and feelings of both parties are taken into consideration and could be changed because of it (Ellis, 2004). There are benefits to using autoethnography as a research method for which I worked for and hope the reader will capture. First, this type of research can be therapeutic for both the researcher and the reader (Poulos, 2008). Researchers write their stories to make sense of themselves and where they fit in their culture and this writing invites the reader to reflect and examine their own life and culture. The reflection from both sides can also lead to a closer society; learning and connecting with each other (Ellis, 2004). Second, autoethnography is both researcher and reader friendly as it allows the researcher easier access to the main source of data and the written results are expressed in appealing less technical ways for the reader (Ellis, 2004). JOURNEY TO BECOMING 26 Instruments To get the full benefits of this autoethnographic study I collected four sources of data to analyze: personal narrative (PN), interviews (I), journal entries (JE), and selected previously written class papers (CP). First, I started with writing my personal narrative (PN). The narrative account, or story, included time from before I met my ex-husband through the marriage, separation, divorce, until now as a licensed teacher. I made sure to include lessons learned and how they affected my identity as a teacher. I gathered interviews (I) from people that knew me through the different stages of my journey. In doing this, I brought outside perspectives that saw things in different ways than the way I saw them. The journal entries (JE) came from notes that I have kept throughout the years. The last source utilized were certain reflective papers (CP) that I wrote in some of the education classes that allowed me to explore and grow from my past experiences. Procedure When I originally wrote up the procedure for this study, I anticipated that it would take me a couple of weeks to write out my personal narrative. I was so wrong. Because of the sensitive and very personal nature of my research, it took me a couple of months to write my personal narrative. To write out my narrative as I should, evocatively, I had to relive moments of my past that damaged and hurt me. Therefore, I could not sit and write for too long before I would be overcome with hurt, anger, fear, and even depression. The timeframe of writing my story was also extended because a few weeks into writing, my narrative had been deleted and that severely discouraged me enough that took a few weeks off. In the process of working on my personal narrative, I called and made appointments to do the interviews to which I will keep the names confidential by using pseudonyms. After talking JOURNEY TO BECOMING 27 with the selected participants on the phone or in person about being interviewed, I sent them a copy of the consent form in an email so they could look it over before we met for the interview. When we met for the interview, before we got started, I went over the consent, asked them if they had any questions about it, and then had them sign it. First, I interviewed two friends from before I met my ex-husband. One of these friends, Leslie, and I were very close all through high school and the other friend, Sammy, and I were close friends on and after our Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saint missions. Second, I interviewed two people that knew both me and my ex-husband during our marriage. The first was Mandy who used to go to church with us, have us over for dinner, and watched our kids; and the second, was also a good friend, Pat, whom we went to church with, watched our kids, and made visits to our home. Third, I interviewed two of my family members. The first, Joseph, who was the only sibling that my ex-husband would let come back into our lives about once a year; and the second sibling, Sandra who had a fairly good relationship with my ex-husband before we were married, but was cut off of any contact with the rest of my family after a few years into the marriage. Forth, I interviewed my teaching mentor. She not only mentored me through my first three years of teaching and witnessed my growth as a teacher, but she was also a leader of mine at church, my neighbor and friend. She was able to see my growth as a teacher in a unique way because she was able to see how my outside of classroom life affected my inside classroom life. Finally, I interviewed the principal that hired me and whom I worked under my first three years of teaching. He was aware of my situation through the years and not only did he hire me, but he also observed me in my classroom as I taught, which allowed him to see my growth as a teacher. He was also the contact person when parents gave their feedback on the way I worked with their children. JOURNEY TO BECOMING 28 In addition to the narrative story and the interviews, I examined journal entries that I kept since making the step to stay away from my IPV relationship and some of the papers that I produced in some of my Masters of Education classes. One of the journal entries took up a couple of notebook pages and was one I wrote because my sister had told me to write out all the ugly comments that my husband had said that kept plaguing my mind, so that way when a bad day comes around when I start to think that maybe my marriage was not so bad and maybe I should have tried to stay, I could look at the journal entry and remind myself that I made the right decision to not go back to that abusive relationship. Regarding my class papers, there were a few that helped me do some reflection, but there was only one paper that made it into this project. It was the paper I wrote in my diversities class that is the most applicable to my project, as it was the assignment that introduced me to autoethnography. Once I had all my sources gathered, I started the process of analyzing the information. I set my research questions out in front of me so that my mind would always have them focused as I went through all the sources. As I searched everything for the answer to my first question about what I learned from my experiences in an IPV relationship, I noticed that most of what I was reading focused around four words or ideas: shame, fear, hope, and spirituality. At first, it seemed that all four were too intertwined to get a closer look at what they meant, but after more analysis of the writings, it made sense to keep them in two categories: shame and fear, hope and spirituality. In search of the answers to the next two research questions, I employed the same method of taking one question at a time and going over all the sources again to pull specific information and examples to answer the questions. In doing this analysis process, I put myself in the position of a student looking through a textbook to answer their homework questions. This allowed me to take off the subject hat and put on the researcher’s hat. JOURNEY TO BECOMING 29 IDENTITY GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT The human race is a beautifully challenging puzzle, and everyone in it is a single puzzle piece. No one person in this world is exactly like another, which makes every single person a unique and wondrous individual (piece). Yet at the same time, every single person can uniquely and poignantly relate and connect to others who have similar experiences. No matter what kind of piece in the puzzle a person is, they are an important part of the puzzle. However, some try and diminish the importance of individuals they think of less importance than themselves. For example, a person who is a border piece or part of a face might ridicule a piece of the sky that, by itself, is only one color and seems at first glance unimportant. If that, what seems at first glance, to be a plain piece gives into the mockery and gets lost; the puzzle will never be complete and therefore never be as wonderful as it would have been with every single piece. I do not know exactly what piece of the puzzle I am, a piece of the sky or one color of the leaves in a tree, but I did let another puzzle piece make me feel insignificant and alone. I allowed my unique authenticity to be traded in for self-doubt. Doubting one’s self means that you have stopped feeling worthy of anyone and anything. You live in the mental land of ‘never good enough’. The worst part of being in this place during a relationship is not that you stop trying to be better, but you think that to get out of ‘never good enough’ you have to have the approval of the person that helped put you there. I gave my power of self-worth and identity over to someone else and I justified it by saying, and then believing, that it would make me a better wife, mother, and a member of society. Key Learnings In going through my narrative, interviews, and journals I have found that my IPV experiences or my oppressive status were based around four emotional types. These types are JOURNEY TO BECOMING 30 shame, fear, hope, and spirituality. For the sake of this paper, it made sense to address the shame and fear together then hope and spirituality, although, they all interweave throughout each other. One thing that stands out as a whole through this section is how all four of these themes were and can be used as positive and negative motivators. Shame and Fear As an undergraduate in my major program, I sat in a class where we were having a lesson on the different types of abuse and I remember thinking how sad it was. I did not understand how anyone in a relationship could let someone treat them that way and that I for sure would never let anyone do that to me. Fast forward several years later after many of my own experiences and now I know how those who are abused allow it. Abuse, whether physical, verbal, or mental is not thrown upon an individual at the beginning of their relationship or all at once. There is a trust that is built enough for the abuser to gain information about their partner’s weaknesses and what is most dear to them. During this process, the abused think they are developing a relationship with someone they love and who returns that love. However, the abusive partner uses this love as a ruse to manipulate and use the weaknesses and what matters most to their partner to get them to believe or do what the abuser wants. In my case, the person I thought I was developing a trusting relationship with used both my insecurities and what I saw as my greatest accomplishments to weaken my identity and self-worth. I had always struggled a bit with my self-confidence regarding my looks and my intelligence. I was made fun of as a kid for being bigger than my friends and I knew when I looked in the mirror, I was not as pretty as them either. Growing up, I also struggled academically in school, and lived in fear every day that I would be called on to read out loud in front of the class or give an answer I did not know. On the plus side, I did grow up and out of my JOURNEY TO BECOMING 31 awkward prepubescent look, but on the negative side, I never grew out of the hurtful comments that were thrown my way. I pushed through the rest of my high school years putting on a front of confidence, but underneath my surface, I was a trembling mess. Pushing through my first two years in college as I was getting my associate’s degree was not too bad, but I was still a mess underneath. However, when I went to serve a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for 18 months, I grew more confident about myself than I ever had in my whole life. I was clear across the country from my home and family approaching strangers about religion (one of the two biggest controversial subjects). I learned to live on my own and made friends with people all over the world. I was determined and excited that I would continue my self-confidence once I got home but unfortunately, almost two years after getting home I was slipping back into the land of self-doubt. One of my mission companions that I interviewed said, “After our mission when we moved into together as roommates, I was surprised to see how not confident you were around boys. It shocked me because that was not how you were on a mission. You always seemed so confident talking to anyone and now you weren’t anymore. I think that is why you ended up with the guy you married” (Sammy, I). In the same interview she made a comment that said, “When I finally got to meet him, I was sad because you weren’t Michelle anymore. You were always looking to him for validation” (Sammy, I). My partner picked up on these insecurities and used them to his advantage and my detriment. His compliments to me were never just that, a compliment. They were always covered in comparisons. “Your younger sister is prettier than you and your older sister is crazy, so I guess you are a good balance between them” (JE). He would also remind me often how lucky I was that he was with me because he had and could do so much better than me. “I have dated girls a JOURNEY TO BECOMING 32 lot pretty than you. I dated a model” (JE). I thought those things would eventually go away once we got married and I proved my worth as a good wife to him, but alas it only escalated. “I can find someone a whole lot thinner and better looking than you” (JE). Even after we had gotten through a lot of trials with finances and adding children to our home the comments got even more hurtful. “Men age like wine and women age like milk. When I finally get out of here and away from you, I will be able to find someone else with no problem. You on the other hand, well, good luck. Who is going to want to be with you? You are fat, hairy, greasy, your teeth are all messed up, you’re old, you got six kids, and you're all blown out. Who is going to want to get with that?” (JE). He was right; at least that is what he convinced me to believe. I had to change and make this relationship work because he also made me aware that it was not just my looks that were a problem. My intelligence was less than on par too. Often, I would hear, “Are you ignorant or just stupid?” (JE). This was where he used my greatest accomplishments against me. Because of my academic struggles growing up, graduating from a university was epic for me. I worked hard for my bachelor’s degree and was very proud of what I had accomplished, but he knew just how to marginalize it to weaken my self-worth. After our second child was born, my partner decided to go back to school. He had me do all the groundwork of applying, figuring out finances, and moving plans. When things seemed like they were not going to add up or work out, he would blame me and say, “How could you not have figured that out (or how could you have missed that), I thought you got a college degree? I guess what they say is true; they just give degrees to anyone these days” (JE). Belittling my degree did not stop there. When finances got uncomfortably strained, we would have discussions on what we could do to improve our situation. There were a couple of times I would bring up going back to school to get my master’s degree, so I could get paid better in the social service field. To this, JOURNEY TO BECOMING 33 he would reply, “You already have a piece of sh*# degree that I have to pay for, and now you want to go back to school to get another piece of sh*# degree that I will have to pay more for? That’s the dumbest idea I have ever heard” (JE). After bringing that idea up the second time in a different conversation and getting the same response, I was never brave enough to bring it up again. However, that would not be the last time he marginalized my bachelor’s degree or my intelligence. When a person fails at something there is a feeling of shame that presents itself in the mind of that person. Shame is a very real and normal emotion that everyone experiences, but not everyone reacts to shame the same way. Shame is an extremely uncomfortable feeling which some people use as motivation to work harder and overcome what they failed at, while others try to protect themselves from it by hiding behind blaming others for their mistakes. When classes or assignments got tough for my husband and he started to give up and fail he would tell me that it was because I did not support him as he needed, I did not keep the kids quiet enough or I would cause “drama” so he could not focus. Then he would say, “I will never be successful, as long as I am with you and your kids” (JE). Or “Why should I waste any of my time and opportunities on you and your kids? I need to save those things for my wife, who is not you, and the children we will have together” (JE). He was hiding his shame behind these hurtful comments to me, but to me, they were causing shame of failing at being a good, supportive wife. Panic set in and I so badly wanted to prove to him that I could be the support he needed his wife to be; grasping at whatever I could to stop from drowning in my shame and trying anything from begging to know what he needed, to offer to do some of his homework to lighten his burden. He never had an answer for me, but among trying to make sure the house was clean, taking care of the kids, getting good meals prepared on time three times a day, I also did some of his homework. JOURNEY TO BECOMING 34 Unfortunately, even though I got A’s for him, I still did not get his acceptance as a supportive wife. Some people will think that I took it too far to prove my loyalty and support by doing homework for my partner, but you see he had already “proven” to me that he could go out and “find my replacement” with no problem. After a year back into school, he started an affair with a seven-year younger woman whom he met up at the university and that he worked with. I always thought that if he cheated on me, I would leave him and get a divorce. I did just the opposite. I forgave him and begged him to give me another chance to show him that I would be a great wife and be able to give him everything he wanted. At first, he told me she was my replacement and I honestly tried to be friends with her, then he would confide in me about things that were happening in their relationship that bothered him and that he thought I was better at. I took this as a sign to try and save my marriage. Well, the affair lasted for almost two years, through a move to a new town, and a new addition to our family. What am I doing? I ask myself as I looked around the clean yet empty living room. For a brief moment, I admire how clean the house is. I mean, it only took me a couple of hours to clean it this time. It also only took me an hour to mop the kitchen floor on my hands and knees with my big eight-month baby belly. I am getting better at my productivity after the kids go to bed and I am waiting up for him to come home. You’d think I would feel better about my accomplishment and then my mind snaps back to reality. What time is it anyway? This is the third show I have finished watching and he said he would be home in a few minutes at the beginning of the first one. I should just go to bed; he is not coming home. Why do I keep doing this? I think it is really over this time. I lovingly touch my belly and tell my baby girl how sorry I am for bringing her into this situation. I JOURNEY TO BECOMING 35 had not gotten pregnant thinking it would fix the marriage, it just happened. I am surprised his mistress wasn’t pregnant too. She had thought she might be right before I told him I thought I was, but her test turned out negative while mine was positive. I am going to be having this baby in a month, will he even be there or will he be with her? I see the sun coming through the break in the curtains. I hear the front door unlock. He’s home. He assures me that he had planned to end it with her, but he ended up falling asleep. He asks me to hang in there with him because he has just gotten himself into a bad situation and is not sure how to get himself out. I hesitantly buy his story, although my insides want to tear apart and spring out of my body just processing that he was with her again all night (I knew they hadn’t just slept all night, it wasn’t the first time this happened.) On the other hand, I also felt a slight relief that he seemed sorry and that he didn’t want us to be over. I think there is still hope for us. (PN) The skeleton of this story was commonplace throughout the almost two years of the affair. He was at the delivery of our fifth child and ironically it was the most beautiful of all our deliveries. By this time, I had had no contact with my family for years and when I would get pregnant and have my babies, it was very difficult emotionally as I had always wanted to experience those things alongside a sister who was also pregnant. I never got the opportunity, and this pregnancy was worse because I was living in an affair hell and wasn’t allowed to speak to anyone about it or he would leave me for sure (he told me that). I felt very isolated. So how was this child’s delivery the most special? The induction was finally underway, and as the doctor was leaving the room to let the medicine do its job, he turned and asked us if we were ready to have this baby. My husband laughed and told the doctor to not go far because I deliver pretty quickly. The JOURNEY TO BECOMING 36 doctor chuckled a little and said he would be back to check on us in a little bit. I do not know for sure how much time passed, but a nurse came in and check on me. She noticed from the monitor that I had quite a few contractions, so she decided to check and see how dilated I was; I was a ten and ready to go. She said she was going to get the doctor and be right back. As soon as she left, I had another contraction and it felt like I was sitting on the baby’s head. I tried to lift myself, but with an epidural, it is very difficult to lift all the dead weight of the lower half of my body. I beg my husband to call the nurse because I cannot. He starts around the bed to get to the call button, but before he can even get past the foot of my bed, I have another contraction and the baby is coming out. With no one else in the room but us, he rescues our little girl and starts to gently bounce and talk to her. She looks beautiful and sounds just perfect as she starts to cry right away. He tells me she is perfect, slimy, but beautiful and then he says to me, which I will never forget, “It’s just us, but we’re going to be okay.” (PN) I will always remember the delivery of our fifth child as magical, but after that night it was a nightmare. I thought my husband's comment in the delivery room was him finally coming to a point where he was going to end his affair and we could start working on repairing our family. I was so wrong. I would come to find out later that while I was at the hospital, he had his mistress over to our house, in our bed, with the kids just down the hall. He even had the kids go with the two of them to buy a bassinet for the baby. He would tell me later that he felt bad about what happened and that the affair was not my fault but would add at the same time or later that he never would have done the affair if I had just been a better wife, had chosen him over my family, been more of a support to him, stood by him more, made him feel more special, and the JOURNEY TO BECOMING 37 list goes on. Despite how much and how hard I have worked to heal, my daughter’s birthday is still a culmination of joy and heartbreak for me, even 11 years later. When the affair finally ended, it was because she decided to leave, not because he wanted it to happen. That is when I realized that all the times he had told me to hang in there with him while he tried to get out of the bad situation he had gotten himself into, really was him talking about me and the kids, not his mistress. He was so depressed about her leaving, he tried to end his life. I did not think I could feel more ashamed of myself and my self-worth, but again I was proven wrong. My shame and fear of my failures overcoming my relationship causing my husband to leave me turned to a different kind of shame and fear. After the drama of the ended affair settled, there was a time when physical abuse was added to the mental and verbal abuse I was already experiencing. I have never experienced fear like that before in my whole life or since. For my MED 6020: Diversity class, I wrote an autoethnography paper regarding the first time my husband choked me and the following is a portion of that paper: Why is he coming across the room at me so fast? I think nervously. Before I can come to any conclusions, he is right in front of me wrapping his hands around my neck and yelling something at me through his gritted teeth, with spit flying out and then dripping from his mouth. I am frozen at first, surprised and horrified by what is happening. Then adrenaline surges through my body and I am determined to fight to getaway. It is very difficult because I am sitting on a squishy couch and he is standing over me, pushing my neck back into the headrest. I flail my arms and push with my legs to try and get him off, away, something. I quickly lose energy because I can barely get any air through the slight, intermittent releases of his hands around my neck as he is fighting me back. The struggling has not provided me with any leeway or distance from him, in fact, I am now JOURNEY TO BECOMING 38 on my back, lying flat on the couch with him straddling me, his body angled now to have more force to push on my neck. He is yelling again, this time his voice sounds like something from a horror film: slow, deep, and raspy. I have never heard him like this before, it scares me. He says something about me telling him to abandon me and the kids and I find myself very confused. He is the one who said he should abandon us, I just told him to go ahead. Why is he choking me? It is harder to breathe. My eyes feel like they are on fire and pushing through my eye sockets to pop out of my head. He is pushing so hard now I can’t swallow. I’m scared! My mind begins to float. I start to think that it will be okay, soon death will free me from this prison of shame, deceit, and loneliness that I have been living since almost the day I got married. It’s been six years. The thought brings sweet, relaxing peace for a brief moment and then I remember…The children. If I die tonight, I will be fine, but what about them? I am suddenly back in reality, feeling his weight pressing on my hips where he is sitting and the weight of him leaning on my neck, squeezing. Can’t breathe! Can’t move! I start to pray harder and louder in my head than I ever have before. “Please God, don’t let him kill me! I need to take care of my little ones. Please don’t let them be all alone with him.” Nothing happens and I fall into despair. My head gets fuzzy again and I start to wonder if my kids really know how much I love them and how much I will miss them. If only I could hold them one more time and tell them all the things I love about them and how much I love them. Oh, if only I could! At that moment, his hands loosen around my neck just a little, but it is enough to strain out the words, “Please, just let me say good-bye to the kids.” Somehow, I am able to say it twice, but then everything disappears. JOURNEY TO BECOMING 39 I don’t know how much time passes (later I was told that it was only a few minutes), but the next thing I remember, I am still laying on the couch, but I am alone. I look around and see him standing a few feet away from me. It is still dark outside and inside the old, scarcely furnished condo where we have lived for almost two years. The only light is coming from the upstairs bathroom that often gets left on in case one of the kids gets up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. What? I quickly sit up when I suddenly remember what just happened. I am frozen, I don’t know what to do or what to say for fear that if I move, he will quickly come back and finish the job. He looks at me with a sad, but still hard look and in a low, frustrated voice (just above a whisper) he utters, “You can’t say things like that to me. My father abandoned me and I will not abandon my kids like he did.” I quickly say okay, but inside my brain, I’m swimming in confusion. He said he should abandon us, I didn’t. I just told him to go ahead. Instead of voicing my confusion and trying to make it clear, I simply say, “I’m sorry. I promise I won’t say anything like that again.” I hope and pray that what I said will be enough to calm him and make this horrific encounter come to an end. His face softens and he looks tired. I feel my tense body relax just a little. He says, “Good! If you don’t say that again, then I won’t act like that either.” This will prove to not be true in the future, but for the time being, I felt relief. He calmly says, “Let’s go to bed.” And walks up the stairs. As I follow him, I say a silent prayer of thanks for my life being spared and pray that I will be careful enough in the future so that it will never happen again. After he falls asleep, I go into the bathroom. I look into the mirror and am met by a person I don’t recognize. Her eyes are bloodshot, face swollen, paler than usual skin with little purple and red spots starting to cover her face, neck, and chest. She looks like she JOURNEY TO BECOMING 40 might be sick with an unusual outbreak of chickenpox. It’s obvious that when the morning comes, she will have finger-shaped bruises on her neck. As I stare at this woman in the mirror, reality hits and I know it’s me. I start to cry. I want so badly to scream and yell, but I don’t for two reasons: I don’t want to wake him up, and I really can’t because my throat hurts so badly. Even the small sobs and swallowing are hard and painful enough. I sit balled up on the bathroom floor sobbing quietly and wishing for my mommy. (CP) I was not allowed to talk with anyone about the abuse, although, there were a few times when he kicked my kids and me out that I let things slip to neighbor and church friends that took us in. However, for the most part, I thought I had done a good job of keeping things a secret, but I did not realize that my young children would share things that they saw with friends that babysat them. When I interviewed a friend that knew my family and watched our kids on occasion in the last place we lived together, I learned for the first time, a story that a couple of my girls shared with her. You asked me if I could watch your three youngest so you could go to an appointment. I don’t remember what the appointment was for, but it was important, so even though my kids had swimming lessons, I agreed to take your girls along. I remember sitting on the bench next to the pool with your girls and listening to their conversation about how daddy had choked mommy and then they repeated some things that daddy had said to mommy. I was terrified for you and what happened, but I was shocked that they were talking about it like they were used to it. They were pretty calm about it and that scared me. I didn’t say anything to you because I remember visiting you one day and your husband was bragging about these AR-15 guns that he had built and he brought them JOURNEY TO BECOMING 41 down to show me and he was so proud of them. I just remember feeling afraid because I just knew he would be capable of shooting someone if he got mad enough. I just didn’t know what to do. (Pat, I) I thought that to be a good wife and mother you have to sacrifice what you want or desire to make sure everyone else (husband and children) get what they want and desire. In other words, if you love someone, their happiness comes before yours and as you put your loved one's happiness before your own then that is how you become happy. For as long as I can remember my biggest desire in life was to be a beloved wife and mother. It just always seemed right to me that once I got married and became a mother, I would have this feeling of completeness. Unfortunately, I never did. As I had my six kids and put every part of myself into raising them and trying to do everything I could to be the best and most supportive wife, at the end of the day all I felt was exhaustion, shame, fear, and severe frustration. Hope and Spirituality The more my partner convinced me to disconnect from my family and friends, the more I lost my authenticity and felt very alone. The isolation did not just stop at getting me to sever personal ties to people, but also to my religion and my relationship with my higher power, God (whom I call my Heavenly Father). I grew up in a very religious home and without realizing it, religion became a big part of who I am. When I grew up, I went on a mission to another part of the country for 18 months to teach other people about God and the plan of happiness he has for all of us. I had met my partner almost two years after I came home from my mission, and by that time he had been a member of the same religion for about ten months. To become a member, he had to meet and be taught by missionaries as I had been, so he was familiar with what I had done. He eventually used that information against me as he did with my college degree. “It’s no JOURNEY TO BECOMING 42 wonder you didn’t have very many baptisms, you really suck at resolving my concerns, so most likely you couldn’t resolve the concerns of the people you tried to teach either” (JE). Of course, at the time, what he said made sense, so I believed him. I must have been a bad missionary. My partner knew how important my spirituality was to me, so to make sure he had my full attention, he did not just belittle my mission experience. He would often get frustrated at the people that would go to church with us but did not follow the doctrine like he thought they should. Often his frustration would turn to God because he thought that God should be intervening and changing those people since they were supposed to be representing him. One day my husband’s frustration turned to anger and he tore down everything from the walls that had anything to do with Jesus Christ or the religion we belonged to and threw them in the dumpster of our apartment building. During the whole process, he was yelling and threatening that there was never to be the talk of anything religious or spiritual in the house or to him. That night at the dinner table, my husband started to eat and our oldest (four-years-old) reminded him that we had not said the prayer yet to which he angrily replied, “Shut-up you little sh*#! We aren’t doing that anymore” (PN). Our poor son looked so confused and heartbroken. I did not know what to do but comply with my husband’s wishes. We all stopped going to church and I stopped singing church songs to the kids at bedtime. I can still remember the empty, hopeless feeling I had during that spiritual drought. I felt like something had been taken away from my insides and I was confused about how to move on without it. After a few years, my husband would dangle and tease me with the good and then bad conversations about religion and spirituality. The good ones would give me hope of getting back a part of my identity, but then the bad comments would creep in and push my hope down. We eventually went back to church for a time, off and on, but when he felt like my spirituality was JOURNEY TO BECOMING 43 getting too strong, he would start arguments right before we were supposed to go to church and then we would either be really late or not go at all. There was even one time that still cuts me when I think of it. I was quietly sitting on the bed reading my scriptures when he came into the room angrily. When I think of it now, I do not even remember what he was mad about because what he did next overshadowed anything he had said. He grabbed the scriptures from my lap and began to try and rip it in half. When the artificial leather binding would not give, he grabbed chunks of the pages and tore them out. I was so shocked at first all I could do was sit there with my hands stretched out with my palms up and my mouth gaping open. Those were my mission scriptures. For eighteen months I had studied those scriptures every day and lovingly marked verses and took notes in the margins. As he threw them on the ground I fell to my knees and gently tried to gather all the pieces together. I was sobbing at this point asking frantically why he would do that, but all he told me was that they were worthless. He knew they were not worthless to me. He later would apologize and buy me a nicer one, but that did not repair the damage he had done. (PN) Empowering Actions Researching and writing this thesis about the journey to becoming whom I was always meant to be has been a beautifully horrifying, and painfully repairing therapeutic experience. This process has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do, next to living and experiencing the IPV relationship. The process of writing this paper has empowered me by helping me figure out what it means to own my story and how to change the narrative so that I do not go back to past mistakes, but move forward toward success and happiness in my life, my children’s lives, and even help others find where they fit in their puzzle. JOURNEY TO BECOMING 44 As I was researching information about IPV relationships and how they affect the identity of the abused, I found it very difficult and relieving at the same time. Sometimes I would cry like a baby as I read from books and articles that pointed out and described harsh realities that those who are or were abused experience. As I read, I relived a lot of bad moments of my own. Yet, at the same time and even other times, I felt extreme relief as I was learning that I was not crazy or alone in my struggles and that there was hope for my kids and my future. Although, I never realized just how close my experiences of suffering and recovery have been to my research sections until it was time for me to pull together information from my interviews, personal narrative, journal entries, and some school assignments to put together my autoethnography. Support System Just as the pieces of a puzzle support and hold each other together to complete the big picture, so does a support system for an individual. My friends, family, religion, and school community were and are the support system that has saved me by helping me figure out my proper place in my life's puzzle. Both my spiritual and collegiate education has taught me that we are not meant to go through our lives alone. Nature itself does not even function alone because that would not be natural. Because we are not meant to be alone, there is a mental and emotional battle that conflicts and confuses an abused victim. The abuser works hard to make the abused identify this frustration as the result of them not fulfilling their relationship duties to their partner. However, this reaction the mind is having is its cry for help because the victim is not living their life’s potential. As discussed in the research portion of this paper under the subtitle ‘A Distorted Identity Hinders Full Potential’, due to this isolation and breaking down of the self, not living a person’s life’s potential is a type of paralysis. JOURNEY TO BECOMING 45 Even though I had been largely isolated from parts of my support system such as my family, most of my friends, and even my religion, their influence was still with me in my memories. These memories came in the forms of a specific experience or comment from a friend or family member, or even a song I learned at church. I specifically remember one incident where my partner asked me if I could not handle my wife and motherly duties like cooking, cleaning, keeping track of the finances including getting the bills paid then what use am I to him? Why should he keep me around he asked? As I stood in front of him completely mentally and physically frozen, other than a slight jumpy movement of my shoulders as I cried hysterically, I could not think of a single reason to give him. I had failed again. I am a stupid, loser just like he has told me before. All of sudden, I hear my dad’s deep, quiet voice in my head saying, “I know I’m somebody cuz God don’t make no junk!” At first, for a quick moment, my thought is, “Oh daddy, I miss you so much!” But then my thought quickly moves to, “You’re wrong dad, I am junk.” All I feel I can do at this point is to beg for my partner’s forgiveness, and promise that I will do better. After hours of going back and forth from what a failure I am to me desperately trying to come up with ideas of how I can get my crap together and do a better job, and asking him if those ideas will be okay, he is finally satisfied enough to end the battle, for now. I head to the kitchen to finish cleaning up and make my partner something to eat. I physically go through the motions, but my mind is still kicking myself. Then, quietly at first and increasing in volume as the words and music continued to flow through my mind was a song. This was not just any song; this was the first song I ever remember hearing, as my mother would rock me to sleep at night under the stars, “I Am a Child of God”. I heard my dad again right after the song saying the same thing he had earlier. All I could do at JOURNEY TO BECOMING 46 that moment was cry over the running water of the sink in hopes that it would mask my prayerful sobs. (JE, PN) This experience was not an isolated one, and it was not the only time that my spiritual support joined with my family and friend support systems to remind me of my true identity. Although my support systems did not completely overpower and shut out the strong, frequent, and constant bereavements I was getting from my partner, those small yet significant memory reminders helped me to not completely break into a depressive pool of nothing. The reminders were just enough to help pick me up and keep going; to try more, harder, and I hoped smarter. Courage Eventually, those memory reminders from friends, family, and my religion gave me the courage to finally say enough is enough when my partner was telling our kids to pack their stuff because I was going to find them a new place to live, to not call him dad anymore, and tossing everything the kids and I owned down the stairs. This was the fifth time he was kicking us out and I was done. I knew I was not the best wife ever, but I also knew our kids and I did not deserve to be treated the way he had been treating us. Although he had constantly told me that my family and friends did not really care about me and the kids and even gave what seemed like sound examples, I could never fully embrace and accept that. It had been years since I had spoken to most of my family, but in that moment of panic of where will my kids and I go, I just knew my family would take me back and help my kids and I get back on our feet. I called a couple of my sisters and there were no questions or judgment just love, acceptance, and urgency to get the kids and me to safety. Once I was brave enough to act and contact my family, I needed more courage to stay away and not keep repeating the same destructive behaviors. This is where my support systems JOURNEY TO BECOMING 47 were even more vital to not just survival for my kids and me, but to also help us thrive. My family and religion provided shelter, food, and financial means for survival. Even a few friends that I had made before my partner and I split up, were generous to send money to help for Christmas. The physical support that we received was wonderful and so important to my kids and my well-being, but it did not stop there. For years, I was not allowed, or at least not supposed to, speak to anyone about problems my partner and I were having, especially not the affair. Not anymore! My sister and her husband had let my kids and I move in with them for the first five months after the separation, until we could get a place of our own. In that first couple of weeks of living with my sister, my friends, family, and religious leaders let me share, vent, and have a complete breakdown. Most of the time they just listened and sometimes they would share insights, suggestions, or just encouragement. These interactions with my support systems helped me realize that it is okay to speak up for myself and my kids, that I was not crazy, and it helped me build up my pool of courage that I would later use to start rebuilding a life for my kids and me. Between the courage that I was able to build up from the backing of my support systems and knowing my kids were relying on me for their support, I was able to push past my fears and insecurities to start making a new life. Even though I had a bachelor's degree, I knew I was going to have to go back to school to acquire a career I could support my children with. The new possibilities were exciting, but at the same time frightening. I had not been to school in over ten years, so what if I cannot do it. This was one of those times that I needed my support systems and to draw from my pool of courage because I could hear my partner's voice in my head saying that I was not smart enough and it will just be another thing that I fail. JOURNEY TO BECOMING 48 I went over to my sister’s house to vent a bit and hopefully gather a little strength. I will be starting school in a couple of days and even though I have been super excited since the day I learned I had been accepted into the program, I am now very nervous and scared. When I started on the path to getting a new career I was filled with anticipation and drive to show (in theory) him and myself that I was not stupid and I could make something of myself. Physically being away from the abusive situation is not enough. I still hear his voice repeating all those negative things he so often used to say to me, and as I get closer to starting school, his voice gets louder. I told my sister I was scared because what if I could not do it. What if all the things that my partner had said to me were true, what if I just prove that I am stupid? She gave a quick, light-hearted laugh and then looked right into my eyes and with the most serious tone said, “Are you kidding me? Michelle, you wrote a university-level paper about thorium in three days and got a good grade on it for your husband. You are totally smart enough!” After she said that, it was like every muscle in my body and brain just relaxed. I had forgotten about that, and with my sister's reminder, she not only gave me a boost of confidence, but also a sweet release of anxious tension. My sister was right, I can do this. (PN) Own My Story-Changing the Narrative Like so many other people in this world, I am trying to navigate through my life and figure out how my identity puzzle fits together and how I fit into the bigger life puzzle. At one point in my life, I thought I knew what my puzzle was supposed to look like. But when I invited a person whom I thought I could trust to help me complete it, he scrambled my pieces and tried to convince me to put the pieces back together the wrong way. Keeping that person away from my puzzle helped stop the confusion, but surrounding myself with my support systems gave me JOURNEY TO BECOMING 49 back my courage and confidence that I can fix my identity puzzle and make it look the way it really should. I own my story because I no longer want to hide from my past and my messed-up identity puzzle. I recognize that bad things happened to me and my children because of the partner that I chose to be with, but that is not all of who I am. For a long time, I lost who I was. However, not only did my religion, family members, and friends keep reminding me how special and capable I am, but this project gave me more of a clear “puzzle box” picture of my identity. Through the research, the interviews of those that have been with me through before, during, and after my IPV relationship, writing out my narrative, going over journal entries, and even school papers, I have seen my life flash before my eyes. I have seen where I have been, how I have gotten to where I am now, and because of all of that, I have a good idea or at least a direction of where I am going. I have never been perfect, not will I ever be in this life, but I did not deserve to be treated the way my partner treated me. However, I am no longer a victim and piece by piece, I have been taking my power back because I am writing a new positive narrative. I did it! I finished! I got my teaching certificate. This was so tough, working at a new profession while going to school, taking care of my six kids, and juggling a messy divorce, but I did it. I did it! He said I was stupid. He said I was a failure. I say NO; I can do hard things because I am a strong, capable woman (which he used to make fun of women that would say that, but I don’t care). This is also going to get me a raise and off of welfare. I cannot believe it; we have been on welfare since I got pregnant with my oldest 14 years ago. Now we are getting off because I figured it out, not him. I am not stupid!! (JE) Becoming A Better Teacher and Empowering My Students JOURNEY TO BECOMING 50 Once I learned what it meant and how to own my story, I found a new purpose for my life, teaching. As I have started putting my identity puzzle back together (with the pieces in the right places so that they truly connect), I feel I have so much more to offer and contribute back to my support systems of friends, family, religion, and now co-workers, and students (even parents). Being in an IPV relationship and learning how to recover and rebuild my identity has given me vital tools that I can implement in my classroom to help empower my students to be a success in school and life. Compassion and Understanding I know that my kids and I are not the only people in this world who have a messy home life. When I was in the thick of my IPV relationship, and even up until recently, it was hard for me to see the needs of others outside of my kids or my needs. However, now I can recognize warning signs with students because they are things that my own kids showed during our experience. I also understand more now than I ever did before that things are not always as they seem and to be patient. If a student does not want to talk or says everything is okay, do not pressure. Continue to show kindness and support in your words and actions because once the students know or feel like you care, that is when they will open up to you. My background also gives me an advantage with struggling learners. Not only do I have the first-hand experience in being a low learner myself and the insecurities that go along with that, but I have recent experience in dealing with a bully that uses insecurities against you. It is important to help these students find their strengths among their weaknesses and to build on those. As these students see they have successful things about them, they will desire to branch out and try new things to get good at. It is important to compliment and celebrate even small JOURNEY TO BECOMING 51 achievements and/or accomplishments, even if the student is not getting a whole lot better, but they have not given up. That is a big deal. The support of a teacher through compliments and extra help is imperative to having compassion and understanding for students, but so is creating a safe space. In coming from a place that was not safe, I know how crucial it is to have one. No one, especially children are not going to give their best, or branch out to try something new, or get up the courage to answer a question if they feel or think it will be matched with ridicule from the teacher or the other students. I make it a priority that at the beginning of the school year and throughout, that my classroom is a safe place. I have rules against negative comments or behaviors toward others and I have rewards for those that show support and kindness. When I reward, I make sure that I recognize it loud and proud unless I think it would be embarrassing to the giver or the receiver where it would discourage them and, in that case, I do it privately and quietly. My seventh hour is tough. They have a hard time listening and staying on task. They just do not seem like they even care about the paperclip reward system, except this week. They were the first to get paperclips up on the board and now they are determined to win the party. We are playing a game today so I am afraid they might get out of control and lose their opportunity. If that happens, I might lose them for good. It could not have happened any better. With the first activity, when the winner was announced, instead of the rest of the class groaning, because they lost, several of them congratulated the winner. I was shocked and impressed, and I let them know it because I wanted them to understand how awesome they were. “What?!” I said very loudly, which made everyone stop with surprise and a little worried. I took this time to play it up. “I am so impressed and proud of you guys!” Several of the kids anxiously asked why and what JOURNEY TO BECOMING 52 for. I proceeded to explain that all day, playing this game with every period when the winner was announced everyone gave groans of disappointment that they did not win, but they did not. They forgot themselves and showed support to the winner. I told them I was going them an extra paperclip for that because I thought that was extraordinary. Oh, the excitement was on. They never let up after that and I am happy to say my usually most difficult class, earned and won the behavior reward party that round. It is a much safer space for students to share now. (JE) Advocate Being a good teacher also means being an advocate; you have to know your students so you can know what they need. I understand how important having an advocate is because I have had to be one for my own children as they were victims with me. As it applies to a teacher, I understand that I am the students' educational advocate with their parents, principal, counselor, and anyone else the student might work with. To be the best advocate I can for them I must be a good listener, build on common beliefs, and help them get or recognize their support system. Before I can even get my foot in the door to be a good advocate, I must seek first to understand the student by being a good listener. Being a good listener means that I pay attention to non-verbal communication just as much as the verbal. If a student does not offer answers in class or even participates in discussions. Make a point to find an opportunity to speak to the student one on one to find out more about them and why they do not speak up in class. If the student acts out physically, I have learned from my experience, that the student is having a hard converting their emotions into words because emotions run through the body before forming as words. The students will need some training. Having solutions to problems a student is having is great, but you will never truly know what the student needs unless you first listen without JOURNEY TO BECOMING 53 judgment or solutions. If you honestly listen with the intent to understand the student, solutions will present themselves. Plus, being a good listener also shows the student you care. Sometimes students need their teacher to let down a bit of their guard before they will feel comfortable doing the same. Students need to know that their teachers are human too. When a student can find something, they can relate to with their teacher, they have a much easier time being willing to ask for help. I tell my students that I was a low learner and understand the struggle and pressure of trying to feel like you have to hide and pretend because you are afraid of getting made fun of or being compared to others. I think it is important to show them that there is hope and with hard work and dedication, they will be able to work through their situation and get to where they need and want to be. Being a good listener and showing the students that you are human like them and not just another adult that has power over them, helps to add you as their teacher to their support system. For some students, they will already have a support system (they know them as trusted adults and friends), but for others, you might be the first one. If you are the first, this is a unique opportunity to assist the student in getting a support system. Support systems are like the border pieces of a puzzle. They are foundational, as I have discovered, so every student needs them too. Resilience The biggest and most important lesson that I have learned through my journey of going through an IPV relationship and recovering from it, is that I am resilient. As a teacher, I think that is the most important lesson I need to teach my students. Resiliency is all about getting knocked down by life’s challenges, getting back up, and keep moving forward. Being able to teach resilience, or help students recognize what it is and how to acquire it, is key to empowering students. How I do this is an all-encompassing culmination of three things: first, teach them to be JOURNEY TO BECOMING 54 goal setters and achievers; second, instill a positive never give up attitude; and finally, (the first and second help the teacher) help reveal to the students that they can do hard things. Being a focused goal-setter is an acquired life skill that is learned and practiced daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly. It can be daunting but gloriously fulfilling. Growing up in my religion, my leaders spoke of goals and encouraged my peers and me to set them and work on them. However, I never understood why. I just did it because that is just what we were supposed to do. It was not until my kids and I moved in with my sister and her husband’s family after being kicked out of our home, that I was taught the life-changing reasons why being a goal setter is the key to being successful in life. Setting goals is like creating a map to the person you want to become. It is a skill that not only gives you direction but also a purpose. As a person coming out of a bad situation, my mind was all over the place and fluctuating between panic and shut down mode. My sister taught me about goal boards and it was like she tossed me a life jacket/lifeline. Learning how to use a goal board put into perspective my resources, relationships, priorities, needs, and wants. It has taught me how to put my identity puzzle together in a proactive way that works for me, not someone else. I am in control of my narrative and that I the empowerment I want to help my students develop. Most of my classroom walls are covered with my students' goal boards. They see them every day when they come into the classroom as a reminder of what they are working on and towards. Every Friday (aside from there being no school), we work on our goal reflection journal, so they can make connections that they have a support system that they can go to for help or encouragement and that if their goals are not going as they hoped they learn to problem solve and find solutions to get past their stumbling blocks. JOURNEY TO BECOMING 55 Life can be hard, but as students learn to be goal setters, they learn how important it is not to give up on themselves. The great thing about being the teacher that is focusing on helping them learn to set goals and work hard to achieve them is that I am also one of their biggest cheerleaders. Instead of shaking pom-poms and yelling, I get to share examples with them of others that have also struggled and persevered, including my own (another opportunity to show the students I am human). I also get to be there when their hard work comes together and they accomplish their goals; it is an authentic resilient building moment that makes both the student and me feel a strengthening of our self-worth. Learning how to set goals and be able to accomplish them by also learning to not give up on themselves, leads students to understand that they are highly capable of doing hard things. This understanding creates a type of self-acceptance of the student's authenticity and they are empowered to own their own story. They now have the knowledge and courage to face and work through whatever gets in their way like math, writing, being able to dribble a ball, or even overcome bullying, or a difficult situation at home. Conclusion Puzzles can be complicated and hard, especially the self-identity and where do I fit in the world kind. When I finally got up enough courage to make the move to separate my children and myself from an abusive relationship, both of my puzzles’ pieces were scattered and just looking at them was overwhelming. Learning how to put my self-identity puzzle together and figuring out where me, like a puzzle piece, fit into life’s puzzle has been a journey to becoming whom I was always meant to be. Also, working on this thesis has taken things I knew and things I did not and put them together into a puzzle box picture that I have been able to look at as a reference in JOURNEY TO BECOMING 56 figuring out how to put my puzzles together; it has cleared a lot of things up for me and helped me be a better, stronger, more focused, and more motivated person and teacher. As I stated in the purpose section of this paper, “…this study is to use the tools of autoethnography to explore and shed a personal light of healing, self-discovery, and identity to positively teach, influence, and empower myself, my students, and hopefully others who may be struggling with the effects of an IPV relationship.” Ironically, through this process, I have discovered that this is not only the purpose of my thesis but also my purpose in life. This discovery was made as I worked through the three questions I planned to address in this thesis: one, what have I learned from my experience in an IPV relationship; second, how has what I have learned empowered me; and third, how can what I have learned help me empower my students? Regarding the first question, the biggest thing I have learned is that I am empathetic, not pathetic. I have always had a strong desire to help those around me, especially people I care about, to feel good about themselves and be happy. That desire got so strong with my partner; I was willing to give everything that I was to be what he wanted so I could make him happy. I traded my authenticity in for his approval. I did not believe I was worthy of anything unless he said I was. I was so fixated and desperate for his acceptance that I forgot about accepting myself. My partner knew this about me and convinced me that these struggles I was having were a pathetic weakness. However, I know now that my desire to want to help people feel good about themselves and to be happy is a strength, not a weakness. I just need to make sure I am doing it for the right people. My strength (although I did not know it at the time) was turned into weakness and the result was shame and fear. I was full of shame due to my many failures as a sibling, friend, JOURNEY TO BECOMING 57 missionary, wife, and mother and I feared my partner would leave me because of them. It was not a fear of being alone, but a fear of being unlovable because if I am unlovable than where do I belong? Going through my narrative and comparing it to the research I have done for this thesis, I have learned that I belong to myself. I am not crazy or alone and yes, I have had some failures. However, those failures that I think I have had are just small parts of me and although they are painful, they have helped me become a better person. What I have learned from being in an IPV relationship has empowered me because now that I am away from the fog of manipulation, I can see where I have been and where I want to go. With this clear view, I can see that I am resilient; I have resources of skills and people who care about me and with them, I can do hard things and be progressive. These realizations have empowered me to give myself permission to accept who I was, who I am now, and permission to move forward and become the person I want to be. I have changed my narrative and now I own my story. What I have learned can also help me empower my students to also own their own stories and change their narrative if necessary. Empowering is all about giving power or at least giving someone permission to have power. People, especially kids or those who have been oppressed, often feel like they have very little to no power to anything. Education is power, so as a teacher, I have the unique opportunity to help students learn about their power; how to keep it and not give it away. The key is to have the students put some thought into what kind of person they want to be, not what profession they want to have. This also includes teaching and helping them recognize, and encourage good support systems, owning their mistakes and learning something from them including asking for help, being courageous and taking positive chances like trying new things and being kind. Learning how to do these things myself, as I have been recovering JOURNEY TO BECOMING 58 from my oppressive experience, has been key in helping me get back my power. As I teach these things to my students, I have seen the same empowerment transformation begin in them also. As a person gains empowerment, it is not only an internal transformation but also an external one as well. Empowerment is self-confidence, and self-confidence is a good look on anyone that wears it. I see it in my students and everyone I interviewed, has seen it in me too. Everyone has said that I am a different person than I was four years ago when I first separated from my husband and started down my healing journey. My teaching mentor who saw me at the very beginning, as she also went to church with me said: When you started coming to church with your sister, you always wore black, you’d sit in the back, keeping your head down, and didn’t participate during class. A year later when you started teaching, you were more confident, but still okay with just staying in the background, copying my lesson plans, and being more observant than adding anything of your own. Now, you are so different. You share your ideas. You have a glow and life about you that you didn’t have before. You are so much more confident in who you are and what you’re doing. It has been amazing to watch your progression. (Mentor, I) The principal who hired me stated that I am definitely not the same person or teacher he hired almost four years ago. He mentioned that my increased confidence in my abilities has also increased my ability to have good classroom management and the ability to contribute good things with my teaching team. This principal was also the one that referred me to the post-baccalaureate teaching certificate program at Weber State that gave me the wonderful opportunity to go to school to acquire my teaching certificate while I worked as a teacher. I was the first in my county to go through the program, but because of how well it served me and the school I worked for, this principal has continued to refer other women to the program. JOURNEY TO BECOMING 59 A few months ago, I was able to join these other women in sharing a brief excerpt from our personal experiences in the program at Weber State with the Northern Utah Curriculum Consortium (NUCC). As I sat at the beginning of the line waiting to share my experience, it dawned on me for the first time that my willingness to gather my courage and try something new to get a career to support my kids helped open opportunities for other women in my community to better their and their family’s situations. Not only had I been figuring out how to put my puzzle together, but in the process, I was also helping other women figure theirs out as well. JOURNEY TO BECOMING 60 REFERENCES Amanor-Boadu, Y., Messing, J., Stith, S. M., Anderson, J. R., O’Sullivan, C. S., & Campbell, J. C. (2012). 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