“Mom I Have Something to Tell You”: The Role Communication Plays in Parenting a Transgender Child By Lorrie Rands A thesis submitted in partial fulfillment of the Requirement for the degree of MASTER OF PROFESSIONAL COMMUNICATION Weber State University Ogden, Utah April 29, 2022 _____________________________________ Jean Normal PhD. Committee Chair _____________________________________ Nicole Defenbaugh PhD. Committee Member “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 1 “Mom I Have Something to Tell You!”: The Role Communication Plays in Parenting a Transgender Child Abstract This autoethnography looks at the different types of communication used between mother and child through the gender transition process. It looks at three areas of communication, namely intrapersonal communication and the impact journaling and imagined interaction theory has on how we communicate with ourselves; interpersonal communication and the role self-concepts and cognitive dissonance have on how we communicate with others; and gender communication, using gender schema theory and queer performative theory to help navigate and understand the ways in which gender informs our communication style with others and ourselves. Keywords: autoethnography, transgender, intrapersonal communication, interpersonal communication, gender communication When my youngest was two years old I had the distinct impression that one of my children was gay. Having grown up in a very conservative, Mormon community, this was an interesting, uncomfortable thought, and I quickly dismissed it. This did not stop the impression from returning to me again and again. As my children grew, I assumed that my youngest would eventually come out as gay when he was older because he did not fit into the “normal” boy stereotypes. Not once did it occur to me that it would be my oldest child, my daughter, Natalie. When she was 17, she came out to both me and her father as bi-sexual. I did not handle the news well. I was shocked and did not feel right that Natalie was bi-sexual. Two years later she came out as a lesbian. This declaration felt right and accurate for me, mostly because I had two years to interact with Natalie and see how it just seemed to describe her best. I felt at peace. “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 2 However, two years after that, at the age of 22, Natalie came out as transgender. Earlier in the day on that same day, I was having a conversation with my physical therapist about raising children, and I laughed and joked that even though I had one of each, I felt like I had raised two boys. It was later that night when Natalie stood in my doorway after getting home from work and said, “Mom, I have something to tell you.” I asked if I needed to prepare myself and she said, “Maybe. Mom, I really think I am transgender. My name is Nute and my pronouns are he/him.” I was not shocked; in fact, I was more surprised that I was not shocked. Even so, at that moment my world was turned upside down and I had no idea what to do, think, how to act, feel, or just be. It was in the quiet reflective moments after he came out that I saw an opportunity to explore my own feelings and learn more about the LGBTQ+ community. I began pondering and looking for what I could do to not only help myself but have more compassion with my child. As an oral historian, I rely heavily on the stories of others to inform the present about the past. I wondered if there was a way to incorporate what I do with understanding the circumstance, the place I found myself in. I began looking for stories of other transgender individuals I could learn from, looking for other parents of children who belong to the LGBTQ+ community. I even began looking for research into the best ways to talk to, interact, and parent my transgender child. What I found was not helpful, and at the same time not surprising. Living in a very religiously conservative community I found very few resources to turn to. I found information on parenting transgender children, but very little on the parents’ experiences, in their own words (Barkin, J. 2017, Cryden, P. L. 2017). In searching for answers, I chose to do an autoethnography about my journey with Nute through his transformation to add to the limited research that has been done previously. What follows is my journey as Nute’s mother, to understand his transition and the impact it would “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 3 have on our relationship. Ultimately this journey led to a deeper understanding of myself, my fears, biases and the assumptions that I had made about the human experience and how to communicate with my son. Literature Review Intrapersonal Communication Communication takes many forms and has many differing definitions depending on the discussed form. Intrapersonal communication is a form of communication that came to the forefront in 1966 when Barker and Wiseman published their paper on models of intrapersonal communication. They described how other forms of communication had models created for them but there was not one for intrapersonal communication because “communication within oneself is somewhat difficult to investigate” (p. 172). Cunningham (1992) notes that “intrapersonal communication is the youngest and least developed…and the one about which the least has been published.” He continues with the idea that intrapersonal communication is used and defended in communication literature as “an important component in the spectrum of communication types” (p. 597). Cunningham (1989) in his essay Defining Intrapersonal Communication used the definition created by Roberts, Edward and Barker in which they define intrapersonal communication as “all of the physiological and psychological processing of messages that happens within individuals at conscious and non-conscious levels as they attempt to understand themselves and their environment” (p. 82). In a follow up essay (1992), he makes the assertion that intrapersonal communication “is the basis and foundation of all other forms of communication” (597). Barker and Wiseman (1966) contend that “intrapersonal communication “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 4 is the foundation upon which interpersonal communication is based, adding credence to the notion of the importance of intrapersonal communication in the communication spectrum. Intrapersonal communication is an important part of the communications process, but how is it different from other forms of communication? Barker and Wiseman (1966) explain that there are parts of intrapersonal communication that differentiate it from other forms of communication, the most important being that “the self-observer or communicator is the sole participant in intrapersonal communication; therefore, both the origin and destination of intrapersonal messages are within the life space of one organism” (p. 175). In other words, intrapersonal communication has only one participant, the self, and how those messages are received is based solely on the self, making it difficult to detect and correct errors. Macke (2008) explains that intrapersonal communication “is verified through a standard metaphysical judgment.” He gives the example that most individuals do not remember what they were thinking when they first uttered the word no, but “we were able to imagine (or cognize, if you will) an alternative to the reality given to us in the social parameters of our young experience” (p. 126). Stacks and Sellers (1989) show how it is possible to separate intrapersonal communication into three inter-related areas in their research on understanding intrapersonal communications. They explain that “over time, intrapersonal communication can be viewed as a mental process, a physical state, and as a biological-psychological system” (244). Taking it even further, intrapersonal communication is based upon stimuli encountered by an individual and how the individual translates those stimuli into thought. Barker and Wiseman (1966) describe this process as ideation, which is “the process of thinking, planning and organizing thoughts. It involves drawing together information and relating it to the proposed message you desire to communicate or problem you wish to solve” (176). They explain that “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 5 through this process of ideation created by stimuli, the “communicator attempts to satisfy the need posed by the original stimuli or to formulate a message to be transmitted interpersonally” (pp. 176-177). Cunningham (1989 & 1992) continued this notion, creating a list of functions and properties of intrapersonal communication. These include talking to oneself, perception, data processing, and self-persuasion. With this background in place, there are two areas of intrapersonal communication relevant to this study. They are introspective writings and imagined interaction theory. Introspective writings according to Jensen (1989), are an account of the mind at work. “They often mirror inner speech and can be valuable resources for the study of intrapersonal communication.” He explains that these writings not only offer a glimpse of the workings of individual minds, but “may also reveal universal patterns and processes of human thought” (p. 111). These writings include autobiographies, diaries, memoirs and journals. According to Jensen, journals “may be better mirrors of intrapersonal communication because they more often go beyond a recording of events to explicitly include the writer’s reflections” (p. 113). In an earlier work, Jensen (1984) describes two areas of intrapersonal communication that can be understood or even researched through the study of journals. They are “(1) a truthful report of a person’s thoughts discloses the process by which selective memory defines and redefines personal history and (2) An honest journal reveals habitual thoughts which are basic to self-identity” (p. 237). Journaling provides an individual with an insight into how they communicate with themselves which can lead to a better understanding of their motives and actions with others. Imagined Interaction Theory “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 6 The other area of intrapersonal communication relevant to this study is imagined interaction theory. In a review of the research, Honeycutt and Ford (2016) explain that imagined interactions “are an extended form of intrapersonal communication, which allows one to talk to oneself and imagine talking to others as well” (p. 316). They add that imagined interaction can be a way to study intrapersonal communication as it relates to interpersonal communication. In 1989, Honeycutt, Zagacki & Edwards demonstrated that in intrapersonal communication the idea of talking to oneself “is important but somewhat limited. For, in our view, not only do individuals talk to themselves, but during imagined interactions they imagine themselves talking to others as well” (168). They add their assertion that imagined interactions are an extension of intrapersonal communication. There are six functions and eight attributes of imagined interaction. However, because this is not a study of imagined interactions, the focus will be on the functions rather than the attributes (for a complete breakdown of the attributes see Honeycutt and Ford 2016). The six functions according to Vickery, Keaton and Bodie (2015), refer to the reasons individuals might use imagined interaction. They are, (i) rehearsal, or the concept of mentally preparing for a conversation before it occurs; (ii) self-understanding, or using imagined interactions to discover different aspects of the self in the form of attitudes, values and beliefs; (iii) catharsis, or using imagined interaction to reduce tension or uncertainty regarding another’s actions; (iv) compensation, or a replacement for real interactions; (v) relational maintenance, or using imagined interactions to shape and maintain a relationship with another individual i.e. partner, child, friend, co-worker; and (vi) conflict management, or using imagined interactions between arguments to relive those arguments and prepare for arguments to come (Vickery et al. 2015, Honeycutt, Vickery and Hatcher 2014). These six functions provide a roadmap to imagined “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 7 interaction uses and how the concept applies to intrapersonal communication. In other words, using these six functions, imagined interactions in the words of Honeycutt and Ford (2016), “may prove to aid in maintaining relationships, providing catharsis, creating a better sense of self-understanding, allowing for rehearsal of anticipated encounters, but also allowing for review of past interactions” (p. 341). Interpersonal Communication Interpersonal communication is one of the most basic forms of communication next to intrapersonal communication. Goyer (1978), in his discussion on interpersonal communication and human interaction labels communication as “that event in which experience is made common (shared) by two people” (p.3). He states that there is a link between intrapersonal and interpersonal communication. They can happen simultaneously and “intrapersonal data processing” occurs when an individual is communicating with another person, or interpersonal communication (IP). With the advances of technology and social media, IP has taken on a new dimension and aspect, and has undergone an identity crisis (Floyd 2014), but for the purposes of this study, the earlier definitions will be used. At the core, IP is communication that occurs between two individuals. Building upon the research of the scholars that came before him, Cissna (1980) defines interpersonal communication as the process of how “human beings communicate with other human beings one at time…this is the process of talking to a specific other person” (p. 53). Looking at IP closer, Hartley (1999), in his book on IP, defines IP as having the following three characteristics: “Communication from one individual to another; communication which is face-to- face; and both the form and content of communication reflect the personal characteristics of the individual as well as their social roles and relationships” (p. 20). These three characteristics “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 8 form the basis of IP and reveal a link to intrapersonal communication. IP is reflective of an individual’s uniqueness, and how they perceive their social roles and relationships. Hartley then goes on to break IP down into seven propositions as follows: (i) IP is a face-to face meeting between two participants; (ii) it involves the roles or relationships the two individuals have to one another; (iii) IP is always two-way; (iv) it “does not simply involve the exchange of messages. It essentially involves the creation and exchange of meaning” (p. 24); (v) it is partly or wholly intentional; (vi) it is an ongoing process rather than a single or series of events; and (vii) it is cumulative over time. Looking at these seven propositions, IP is a complex, yet simple way to interact with another human being face-to-face. They show the importance of IP overtime with others. It can also be argued that IP provides an opportunity to interact and find meaning with oneself and another person. Given this foundation of the basics of IP, there are two areas that are relevant to this study. The first is the idea of self-concept while engaging in IP and the other deals with cognitive dissonance theory. Self-Concepts Self-concept is not a new idea in IP research (Cushman and Florence 1974; McCall 1987; Parks 1985; Cissna; 1980) In fact, Goyer (1978) points out that human beings can share their experiences with other human beings face-to-face, which leads to the realization that individuals are capable of self-organizing or can generate behavior change (p. 4). This link between Intrapersonal and IP leads to the idea of self-concept in IP. Cushman and Florence (1974) point out that “interpersonal communication has as its principal goal the coordination of human activity in regard to the development, presentation and validation of individual self-concepts” (p. 12). They go on to explain that IP is just the transfer of “symbolic information” with the above “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 9 principal goals at its heart. Cissna (1980) explains this process in simpler terms as follows: “Interpersonal communication involves the confirmation of self-concepts and self-esteem through genuine, spontaneous dialogue between two persons based on psychological information about one another.” He finishes his definition with the idea that without the four elements of “a one-to-one relationship, psychological information, genuine and spontaneous dialogue, and the confirmation or validation of self- concepts…interpersonal communication is less than full” (p. 58). IP, when engaged genuinely and spontaneously with another human being, can lead to the development and confirmation of self-concepts. Simply stated, IP is the exchange of personal information between two people that helps to validate the self-concepts one has about themselves. Cognitive Dissonance Theory However, the question to ask is, what happens when an individual finds inconsistency in their beliefs or opinions about themselves through the process of IP? In 1957, Festinger introduced his theory of cognitive dissonance. He explained that dissonance and consonance “refer to relations which exist between pairs of elements…these elements refer to what has been called cognition, that is, the thing a person knows about himself, about his behavior and about his surroundings” (9). He points out that the elements of cognition are “responsive to reality. By and large they mirror, or map reality…in other words, [they] correspond for the most part with what the person actually does or feels or with what actually exist in the environment” (p 10-11). These elements of cognition are in dissonance if they do not fit together for some reason. Thibodeau and Aronson (1992) sum up the theory in a more eloquent manor, “if a person held two cognitions that were psychologically inconsistent, that person would experience dissonance, an unpleasant drive state akin to hunger or thirst.” Once a person finds themselves in a state of “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 10 dissonance, they “would be motivated to reduce it, primarily through attitudinal or behavioral changes designed to reestablish consistency” (p. 591). Because of its vast nature, there have been revisions and new ideas emerging about cognitive dissonance theory, almost from its inception. Thibodeau and Aronson (1992) focus on the work of Aronson, who started looking at the impact self-concept had in relieving dissonance. In 1968, Aronson stated that if dissonance occurred, it was due to inconsistencies with self-concept (p. 591). They go on to explain their belief that most individuals have positive self-concepts, meaning that “most people hold standards for their own behavior that are largely in accord with the conventional morals and prevailing values of society.” A positive self-concept will reflect those morals and values and “will be based on the perception” that the individual strives to uphold those ideas (p. 592). In other words, positive self-concepts are based upon the culture and family one is raised in or enmeshed in. When those self-concepts are challenged by outside forces, i.e., new experiences, new cultures, or the transition of a child, dissonance occurs. Gender Communication Intrapersonal and interpersonal communication not only complement each other, but they play a pivotal role in many different forms of communication. One of these is gender communication. Payne (2001), in her book on communication between the sexes, explains that “gender includes the social construct of masculinity and femininity within a culture…gender reflects the interaction whereby a person incorporates his or her” learned characteristics from biology to culture. “Communication involves the exchange (sending and receiving) of messages, or information, through speech, signals, or writing…communication both proclaims and reflects the interaction of those characteristics of role development within a specific culture” (p. 4). In “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 11 other words, we learn about gender and its many nuances through communication within our culture or environment. Gendered learning is communicated at an early age beginning in the home and the culture enmeshed within. Arntson and Turner (1987), explore the idea that the family environment is the place where socializing children begins, that parents set “the communicative environment, and the child is then influenced by it” (pp305-306). Horan, Houser and Cowan (2007), in their study on how parents communicate with their children, discuss how “parents strive to cultivate personal characteristic in their offspring, enabling them to function successfully and independently” through messages once they leave home and embark on their own independent lives. They explain that “of these messages, those indicating what it means to be a man, or a woman are communicated, indicating the pivotal role communication plays in gender development” (p. 362). There are two theories within gender communication that relate to this autoethnography, gender schema theory and queer performative theory. Gender Schema Theory Gender schema theory was first introduced by Sandra Bem in 1981. She defines a schema as “a cognitive structure, a network of associations that organizes and guides an individual’s perception.” It is a way to search for structure and assimilate information into relevant schematic terms. “Schematic processing is thus highly selective and enables the individual to impose structure and meaning into the vast array of incoming stimuli” (p. 355). Starr and Zurbruggen (2016), in their study on the impact of gender schema theory, describe it as “a social cognitive theory about how people in society become engendered from an early age and the impact of this gendering on their cognitive and categorical processing throughout the lifetime” (p. 567). In “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 12 other words, gender schema theory is the process of understanding one’s gender through the lens of society and culture. Horan et al. (2007) posit that schemas are learned, and that “as communication through verbal and nonverbal messages is intrinsic to learning, parents ultimately serve as key fascinators for children learning their gender schema” (p. 364). This leads to the creation of “sex-specific self-concepts and personality attributes, to be masculine or feminine as defined by” the culture or society one is raised in. Bem (1981) describes this process as sex-typing (p. 354). Gender schema theory “proposes that sex typing results in part, from the fact that the self-concept itself gets assimilated into the gender schema.” She goes on with the notion that as children learn about their societies gender schema, “they learn which attributes are to be linked with their own sex, and hence, themselves” (p. 355). Warfel (1984), in her research states, “gender schemas affect the ways in which information is processed about the self and others” (p. 256). Bem also explains how intrinsic this process is to self-esteem by stating that “the child also learns to evaluate his or her adequacy as a person in terms of the gender schema, to match his or her preferences, attitudes, behaviors, and personal attributes against the prototypes stored within it.” The gender schema becomes the lens the child sees themselves through, and “self-esteem becomes its hostage” (p. 355). Mothering, or motherhood, is an example of a gender schema that is learned in childhood and plays a pivotal role in how a mother rears her children. Field and Mattson (2016) explain how important gender is to a mother’s identity. In fact, “not only is parenting itself highly gendered, but the gendered activities of mothering are highly affected by the gender of the child” (p. 420). In other words, the role of mother is defined by the gender schema learned in the home, and changes depending on the sex of the child she is raising. Another aspect of mothering is “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 13 rooted in culture. Odenweller, Rittenour, Dillow, Metzger, Myers and Weber (2020) relate that “women consider the mother role central to their identities…the centrality of this role explains why mothers focus most of their conversation on the cultural expectations associated with constructing a ‘good mother identity’” (p. 16). This identity began taking shape in the home, when the “mother” learned the gender schema associated with her sex and the cultural expectations surrounding that. We learn how to live within our defined gender at a very early age through the information that is communicated to us from our families, our culture and our society. Queer Performative Theory What happens, however, when one’s prescribed gender identity does not match how one feels about themselves, how they perceive their own gender identity? Queer performativity theory seeks to answer this question. Queer performative theory began with the work of Judith Butler (1990, 1993, 2015). She argues in Gender Trouble: Feminism and the Subversion of Identity (1990) that gender “is not a noun, but neither is it a set of free-floating attributes…gender proves to be performative—that is, constituting the identity it is purported to be.” She goes on to explain that “there is no gender identity behind the expressions of gender; that identity is performatively constituted by the very ‘expressions’ that are said to be its results” (p. 34). In other words, gender is not a set of rules or ideals, but rather how an individual sees themselves, even if it goes against everything they are taught in the context of their culture and environment. Finlay (2017), in their essay on non-binary performativity, expands on Butler’s work by explaining that there is no “doer behind the deed of gender, but the doer or subject is invariably constructed through the performative enactment of gender.” They continue with the notion that “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 14 this construction of gender is “never absolutely cemented,” and must be “reiterated through an ongoing process of repetition” and creation of meaning. In the end, this repetition and creation of new meaning “materializes the gendered subjectivity of the doer” (p. 64-65). Through this process, an individual creates a divide between the gender self-concept they learned as a child and how they perceive their gender identity. In this construct, gender schema theory lends itself into queer performative theory in a rather beautiful and simplistic way because the gender self-concept that is learned at an early age is truly defined by the individual through performance. An example of this simplistic and beautiful melding of gender schema theory and queer performative theory is provided by Rudnick (2020) in his autoethnography when he explores the ideas from Butler that many “queer persons unwittingly pass or are read as straight merely by the virtue of their living within a heteronormative culture.” He explains that this can lead many queer individuals to “choose to alter their performances of gender and sexuality to resist expectations or demands of an identity that is not theirs.” In other words, they perform their gender in such a way as to show they are not heterosexual. He concludes with the notion that “queer performativity—manifest in everyday performances of identity—become socially charged when queer persons perform themselves to resist the social structures that constrict them” (p. 10). Another example of queer performative theory can be found in transgender individuals, or the term used to describe those individuals whose gender identity is different from the gender they were assigned at birth (Manning, Homes, Sansfacon, Newhook and Travers 2013; Abreu, Rosenkrantz, Ryser-Oatman, Rostowsky, and Riggle 2019; Hildalgo and Chen 2019; Frigerio, Montali, Anzani & Prunas 2021). They perform their gender every day in ways that are outside the gender schema they learned at home. Frigerio, Montali, Anzani, & Prunas (2021) explain that 15 “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” “a subgroup of transgender individuals who experience distress related to the difference between their assigned gender at birth and their gender identity can be diagnosed with gender dysphoria” (p. 432). Lindley and Galupo (2020) define gender dysphoria as “distress or discomfort experienced when an individual’s gender identity and their sex assigned at birth is branched,” or in discrepancy (p. 266). Gender identity and self-concept are both challenged in transgender individuals, and performing their gender, the gender they see themselves as, helps to create new self-concepts that aligns with who they truly are. Methods. I chose to gather my data using autoethnography supplemented by oral history interviews. Because the autoethnography described my relationship and interactions with my child in a very intimate and personal way, I followed IRB protocol and obtained permission from Weber State University’s IRB board for this project. I wanted to ensure that Nute was fully aware of what this would entail and that he had certain rights as a secondhand participant. Autoethnography Ellis, Adams and Bochner (2011) explain autoethnography as “an approach to research and writing that seeks to describe and systematically analyze personal experience in order to understand cultural experience” (1). Hokkanen (2017) adds to this explanation by stating that “autoethnography places more emphasis on using the personal experiences of the researcher-participant to understand facets of the social world within which she is embedded” (26). I specifically chose to use analytical autoethnography (Anderson 2006; Vryan 2006; Frankhouser and Defenbaugh 2017) because of its more traditional research format and structured method in analyzing data. Anderson (2006) lays out five key features of analytical autoethnography. They are (i) the researcher is an active participant in the social world being studied; (ii) analytic 16 “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” reflexivity or a “self-conscious introspection guided by a desire to better understand both self and others through examining one’s actions and perceptions in reference to and dialogue with those of others” (p. 382); (iii) narrative visibility of the researcher’s self, or the researchers own feelings and experiences a part of the research and considered “vital data for understanding the social world being observed” (p. 384); (iv) dialogue with informants beyond the self; and (v) commitment to theoretical analysis. Using this approach, I began writing a journal of my own experience in June of 2021, as Nute began his transition. I wrote 29 handwritten pages, taking care to look at my own experiences and how they related to the bigger picture of his transition and how I was making sense of them in my own life experience both culturally and personally. I chose autoethnography as my methodology because it allowed me the opportunity to write about my experiences and feelings during Nute’s transition. Ellis et.al (2000) note, writings “can be therapeutic for authors as we write to make sense of ourselves and our experiences.” The authors continue with the idea that writing about one’s own personal experience can foster “personal responsibility and agency, raise consciousness and promote cultural change and give people a voice that before writing, they may not have felt they had” (pp. 24-25). Custer (2014) explains, “The process of autoethnography can uncover many different feelings within the writer.” It can uncover a wide range of emotions from joy to sadness and gratitude to pain. This pain includes the writer’s own, but “often times they are exposed to the pain and anguish of other people who have experience similar circumstances” (p. 1). As an oral historian, I have seen this first-hand as I listened to and captured the stories of individuals from all walks of life. Oral Histories “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 17 My background as an oral historian, made it easy for me to begin collecting oral history interviews within the LGBTQ+ community in Northern Utah in conjunction with writing in my journal. After each interview, I wrote in my journal what I learned, how I felt and how it related to the overall picture of my son’s transition. I also explored my feelings about his transition process and the LGBTQ+ community. Each interview allowed me the opportunity to look closely at myself, adding a deeper insight as I wrote in my journal. This process led to my own participation in an oral history as well, because I understand the oral history process of capturing stories more so than any other form of communication. I have spent the last 10 years honing my craft and learning from each of the over 200 oral histories I had the privilege to collect. Collecting oral histories along with autoethnography allowed me to bring together my own personal story with the stories of my son, and other members of the LGBTQ+ community to better understand my own experience. Oral history is the process of recording and preserving oral stories of past events with the individuals who experienced them. The Oral History Association explains that oral histories begin with either a video or audio recording of “a first-person account made by an interviewer with an interviewee, both of whom have the conscious intention of creating a permanent record to contribute to an understanding of the past” (2020). This verbal document is then transcribed and made available in different formats for researchers and the public to access. Originally, oral history in the United States was focused more on individuals in power, importance and standing. By the late 1970s, this focus began to shift to documenting local, community history and to give back history to the people (Rands, L. 2020 p. 3). This shift led to most academic institutions conducting and keeping oral histories. “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 18 As an oral historian in Special Collections at the Stewart Library, Weber State University, the oral histories were collected using the Stewart Library interpretation of oral histories which is described as (Rands, L. 2020): A method of collecting historical information through recorded interviews between a narrator with firsthand knowledge of historically significant events and a well-informed interviewer, with the goal of preserving substantive additions to the historical record. Because it is primary material, oral history is not intended to present the final, verified, or complete narrative of events. It is a spoken account. It reflects personal opinion offered by the interviewee in response to questioning, and as such it is partisan, deeply involved, and irreplaceable (p. 29). The oral history program at the Stewart Library was created to record and preserve the history of Weber State University and its surrounding communities, Davis and Weber Counties. By adhering to the interpretation of oral histories described above, the Stewart Library Oral History Program “creates archival oral histories intended for the widest possible use (p. 29). Each interviewee is asked to sign a release form for the interview, turning over the copyright of the interview to Special Collections, thereby allowing it to be housed in their archives. The interviews are transcribed and edited for accuracy and clarity by staff members of Special Collections. The ultimate goal is to preserve the narrator’s voice so that it translates onto the page in a coherent way. The interview is then sent to the interviewee who is “encouraged to augment or correct their spoken words,” keeping in mind that the interview represents their unique voice on paper. The edited and corrected interviews are then “indexed, printed, and bound with photographs and illustrative materials as available. The working files, original recording, and archival copies are housed in the University Archives” (p. 29). “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 19 My interview was recorded in three sessions between September and October 2021. Alyssa Kammerman, an independent oral historian, conducted the interviews. The first session was edited by Melissa Francis, a Special Collections staff member, and the last two were edited by Alexis Stokes. I reviewed the transcript, making minor changes and spelling corrections. I also collected eight oral histories from within the LGBTQ+ community in Weber and Davis Counties. All participants, with the exception of Nute, attended Ogden Pride in August of 2021 and were asked if they were willing to share their stories in an oral history interview that would be housed in the University Archives for future community use. Data Analysis After three months of journal writing, which I organized by date, I made copies of my journal entries for my two thesis advisors, and we independently read through and coded the entries to analyze the content. Castleberry and Nolen (2018) describe coding in qualitative research simply as “identifying similarities and differences in the data” (p. 808). They also explained the importance of having multiple coders to increase the consistency of the process and to help validate “that the groupings of data are consistent with the raw data” (p. 810). We each looked for recurring topics, themes (Chang, 2000), and multiple uses of words throughout the 29 pages. I also reviewed the first 20 pages of my oral history interview because as I coded the data, I noticed an emergence of my own childhood reflected in my writings. Members of my committee conducted a thematic analysis of the data, using Frankhouser and Defenbaugh (2017) as a guide. Chang (2008) explains that through this process of data interpretation, “you try to explain how fragments of memories may be strung together to explain your cultural tenets and relationships with others in society” (p. 126). This played out as we began the first step of the analysis, independently reading through the pages looking for themes 20 “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” and common words I used throughout the journal. I discovered seven themes throughout the journal. We then came together and discussed our findings, arriving at 20 separate themes to review more closely in order to develop a mutual understanding. Chang also noted that “meanings are not available from the data as ready-made answers; rather they are formulated in a researcher’s mind” (p. 127). Taking the 20 themes, we began the next step of the analysis narrowing the focus of the themes (see appendix 1) to create major and minor themes for further development. These themes were then interpreted through the lens of communication theory, finding three areas to focus on, which allowed further validity to the research. Finally, we grouped the stories to provide examples of the major themes and theories. Research Questions How did Nute’s transition effect the way I communicate with myself? How has engaging in IP with Nute changed or adapted my self-concepts and encouraged me to deal with the dissonance of change? How does queer performative theory and gender schema theory lend credence to and validate the insights and introspections gained through this journey with Nute? Results Looking at the data collected and the three areas of communication that emerged, four themes began to take shape (appendix 1). They are gender dysphoria, my role as a mother, the parent-child relationship between Nute and I and the relationship I had with myself. These four themes emerged in two distinct areas of communication or action as follows, (i) before community engagement, or relying on my intrapersonal communication, my imagined interactions and (ii) after engaging with the community in the form of oral history interviews. I “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 21 refer to this as a paradigm shift. The first three themes emerged throughout both areas of engagement, only the relationship I had with myself emerged after the paradigm shift. Part One: Introspection, Reliance on Self As I began my journal, I wondered how much to share, knowing I would be allowing others to read it. As I allowed myself to just write, in essence communicating with myself, the reality of my fears began to flow onto the page. I began to imagine what Nute was feeling and found that I just wanted to relate. I am beginning this journal wondering how much to share. I am talking about my oldest child, his journey to become himself. I struggle to help—I do not know what it is like to be disgusted by ones own body. I’ve never felt that way. I’ve been ashamed of being born a girl, of being a woman, but that is because of the trauma I suffered as a child, not because I feel trapped in the wrong body? I put a question mark because I don’t really know if he feels that way. We have had discussions, I’ve asked if it was just a phase, how he really knows—I feel like we have been honest with each other. I don’t know what he’s feeling. Besides my own trauma I’ve no reference. When I was 16 I wanted to shrink away, so I stopped eating in a way where no one noticed until I was skin and bone, but I’m not sure that is relatable. I find I want to find a way to relate, compare, but it’s not possible—or is it. I really don’t know. The uncertainty I felt as I wrote was heightened by my fears, and each word added to this. I found myself looking for correlations in my own life, imaging those encounters and how they fit into the context of what I was seeing with Nute. His “disgust” with his own body made me want to relate, find the moments in my own life that would help me understand what he was 22 “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” going through, but at the same time, wanting to hide from the reality of what Nute was wanting for himself, and what that meant for me. At one point, I wrote in my journal about a monster known as the ravenous bugblatter beast of Traal that I read about in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams. There was only one weapon to use against this most feared and deadly monster in the galaxy, a towel. This monster was under the assumption that if you cannot see it, then it cannot see you. I realized that this idea, this notion of escaping reality by hiding from it, was very relevant in my own interactions with Nute. “If I don’t acknowledge it, then it will go away, when in reality it just festers.” The monster was still there. Nute’s desire to transition, become his authentic self, was still present. He still wanted to change, but I was not allowing myself to see it. I wanted to hide from it, put a towel over my own head, until the threat was gone. I realized that Nute’s desire for authenticity was not going away. His feelings would not just disappear if I hid from them. So instead, I removed the towel and began to look at my own fears by communicating honestly with myself. Role as Mother Becoming a mother was one of the happiest moments of my life. I remember the exact moment my daughter was placed in my arms, and the joy I felt knowing I had a little girl to love, interact with, and for whom I could create a sweet 16. These thoughts and feelings flashed through my mind in an instant, and I was excited to begin the journey with her. Having never been a mother before, I relied upon what I learned from watching my own mother, and the interactions I had with other mothers who were in my life. These thoughts had an influence on what I wrote as Nute began his transition, and where I imagined that I fit as his mother. “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 23 I have been thinking about how my behavior as Nute’s mother affected his behavior/choices. In other words, is this my fault? I’m not trying to make this about me, but I wonder if I am alone in this thinking? I’ve also been wondering how much of myself to share. I will just share and go from there. As I try to understand Nute, what he is going through, I reflect back on what I know or experienced, I had a moment when I was 18 when I thought I was in love with my best friend. I did not understand what I was feeling and at the time I just got scared and began to question my sexuality and then just squashed it down. I would not question; I would stay the course. I did not want to be “kicked” out or belittled. I’d already experienced enough of that. I realized my own upbringing effected the mother I became. The abuse I suffered as a child affected my choices. I had no one loving me unconditionally. My parents were not able. I found a partner that was a mixture of my father and my perpetrator. How did that effect Nute and Ryan? The ideations and thoughts I had turned into my imagined interactions for both of my children as I wrote. I imagined how Nute would respond to my words and how and if I should communicate them to him. I also noticed how intense my feelings were regarding the disappearance of the little girl I had raised, and inevitably the woman I wanted her to become. Nute talked to me last night about his therapy appointment, starting hormones. I’ll be honest, part of me is very sad, my little girl will begin to disappear, but was he ever my little girl? I have thought about that today. Did I, or am I somehow responsible because I was unavailable when my kids were growing up? I know I did the best I could, doing exactly what I was shown by my own mother. I have often wondered if my perpetrator maybe did “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 24 something. Not going down this road. Nute is who he is—I even told my therapist (physical) that I felt like I raised two boys, that night he came out. What an odd coincidence. My point is I am sad to lose my little girl, the image I have in my head, the dreams/expectations I created for the two of us. It is easy to get lost in my own head “what if this happened or didn’t happen?” He talked a little more about it today, the therapy appointment…I remember what my sponsor says, “What right do you have to deny your child the chance to learn?” very good point. Being this venerable is hard, being this honest with myself, looking at my motives. I am sad and scared Writing gave me the opportunity to look back, to reevaluate what I witnessed when Nute was a little girl. I realized she never really fit into the “normal” I was expecting for a little girl, and what I had witnessed from watching other little girls I met. My thought of, “was he ever my little girl”, began to take on new meaning as I honestly evaluated his life, his interaction within it, and the way he performed his gender. But through all the imagined interactions I was having with Nute, I remained isolated with my own thoughts and ideations. I clung to my ideal of motherhood. The one area of motherhood that seemed to remain consistent was the need to take care of, protect and love him. I realized that Nute needed me to be his advocate, his ally. I worked on using Nute’s preferred pronouns even when writing in my journal. All these realizations kept me focused on looking at myself, writing about how I felt with each new moment of his transition. I went with Nute to the Gender Clinic, his first appointment…the doc was clearly attentive and took his history, asking Nute to describe his experience with gender dysphoria. I was surprised at what Nute said and going back to when he was 12 or 13, “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 25 but the doc just listened, took notes. I was worried that it would not be enough, so I chimed in that it felt like, and I had often joked that I had raised 2 boys. She [the Doc) said that a lot of parents said that. I felt better. She asked for questions. Mine was when the effects would begin to be noticeable, 1 month, 6 months? At this I was surprised at my feelings. I almost cried, “my little girl will go away.” It shocked me because I know I’m supportive. A few weeks later I went with him when he received his first testosterone injection. I drove myself, so I had plenty of time to think. I kept thinking of her, Natalie, as though I was hanging onto my little girl, I have not mentioned any of this to him. I do not want to upset him. This is my process.” During the drive I came face-to-face with the reality of my fears, and a few weeks later they spilled out onto the page. Last night I realized my dreams for Nute—as a woman, as my daughter, were futile…they are definitely not what he wants. It was very palpable. I wanted to raise a strong powerful woman—I wanted her to be everything I was/am not. I put an awful lot of pressure on my child and did not realize it. Did I ignore my other child in the process? So much here, gratitude for the ability to learn, grow, progress….what am I afraid of? Well, I’m afraid to look—really look at my fears for Nute. What if this is just a phase—what will people think? What about my dreams for Natalie? Because I feel all this does it mean I’m not supportive? What kind of mother am I supposed to be? What if I mess up, will he still love me? What does my new role look like? Do I let go of the female? The girl I raised? How do I let of my dreams for him/her? I wanted to go through the childbearing experience with her, watch her marry a man, follow in my footsteps, be a better woman “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 26 then me, show that I raised a strong daughter/woman. I feel almost jipt that I won’t have the experience. How do I let go of these dreams—create new ones for the man/male. Each question I asked was reflected in an imagined interaction as I paused in my writing and looked for answers in how he would respond, how my role as his mother was changing. I realized how much each question reflected the culture I was raised in, the gender norms I had come to accept and even rely on for validation of my own experience as a mother. Relationship Change My role as Nute’s mother was just the beginning of the journey. Looking at the data, I saw the relationship between Nute and I and how it was changing as a result of his transition. As I wrote, I kept imagining what our interactions would be like after his transition. I kept asking the same questions over again, writing out my frustrations and wondering how I could relate to him. There were a few interactions that left me reeling as he began his transition. They were based solely on the ideas I had about how our relationship should be based on what I learned as a child about mother/daughter relationships and seeing these relationships performed. How does it all fit together in life? Will I be punished for what I am doing by God? (My childhood beliefs are creeping in) By my religion I was raised in? Last night Nute came into my room after work, “I don’t have anything set up for insurance, will you help me on Monday?” I misunderstood him, I thought he was all good to go with his appointment today, knew if his doc was in the network. It started a bit of an argument, he was taken aback by my body language, and I truly did not understand or comprehend his words. I finally saw that we were just going back and forth, not communicating, so I just asked for the spelling of his doc’s name. “I don’t know.” “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 27 “Will you Google it please?” “Staring at me won’t make me go faster.” “I’m just looking in your direction.” It went on like this for a bit, but things were calming down. I had reverted back to my role as “her” mother to diffuse the situation. I would find the answer to his question and obtain a level of control so I could maintain the relationship under my terms. Once I had the answer for him, I had unknowingly created space within my mind to see him more clearly with the use of my own internal self-talk. I watched as Nute berated himself internally, self-talk. I could almost see the negative thoughts permeating his mind. I knew what that was, I had done it before, I still do it at times until I catch myself. My heart ached for him. The messages we give ourselves shape our reality. How do we learn to be positive in our self-talk when all we have done in the past is be negative? Practice, time, patience, hope, belief? This interaction left me feeling out of sorts. I could see Nute’s negative self-talk. I was relating it to my own experiences, but I was still clinging to the relationship I wanted, the script, or ideation I had created over the 22 years of being Natalie’s mother. The day before his first testosterone shot, I sat with my feelings, and wrote what I was thinking as I imagined the impact his choices would have on me as his parent. I am struggling. Why is Nute doing this? Is he running away from something? (Me…I did). I keep referring to him as Natalie and her and my daughter in my head. I worry he is making a mistake—what will people think if he does. What can I do to help him? Why am I so scared? Does God love him still? Why do I worry about that? Why am I “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 28 resisting? So afraid. It is not my life, nor my body. He’s just my little girl and tomorrow she begins to go away. That’s what I am avoiding. This is what he wants. I was struggling to come to terms with what he wanted, and the reality I wanted to maintain for myself. After the appointment, I wrote what I was feeling, finding that the more I wrote, the easier it was for me to be honest with myself, but still trying to make it all fit into my script, how I imagined “her” life should be. It was odd seeing how nervous he was. He tried to lift his pant leg, I convinced him that he only needed to take his pants down to his knees. It worked. It was pretty fascinating watching the process. Testosterone is thick, so it took a bit of force for him to plunge it into his thigh, but that was it—done. I did not cry, I’m just a bit sad. I don’t really have words to describe what I am feeling, but the process is starting. Too much going on in my head. Process please. As I was searching for a way to process the feelings I was having about his transition and how our relationship was changing, I found myself organizing some boxes a few days later. …came across old clothes of Nute’s, clothes I had saved. I looked at them and then promptly put them away, unsure of what to do with them. Her blessing dress that was my blessing dress, the dress we bought for her to wear when daddy came home from the Azores. She looked so cute, running across the flight line. She knew when her daddy stepped off the plane, let go of my hand and just started running. I watched the armed guard tense and then resign to letting her go. What a sight, this little girl running with a bouquet of balloons toward her dad. What do I do with these memories? They are mine., but I do not know what she was thinking at the time. “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 29 I was still imagining having conversations with Nute, but not actually having them. I was afraid to see the relationship change, but also started to realize it was inevitable. She was changing, becoming my son, and all I had were my own internal thoughts, the norms I had learned from childhood. They were not consistent with what I was seeing unfolding before my eyes. These inconsistencies continued to play out in my mind as I struggled to find meaning as I was witnessing Nute’s change. I was lost in what I wanted for our relationship, and writing them out gave me an opportunity to see what I was feeling through the words on the page. I am sitting here crying, sobbing actually. A mother of a transgender child told me I would need to grieve, but my child is not dead, just the girl I wanted her to be. I didn’t realize how many of my dreams were tied to her. I almost prefer her being just lesbian, but that is what I want. How I want Natalie to be. I am sad that she hates the name Natalie Edith Rands. I chose this for her, I wanted her to be my girl. I wanted her to be everything that I was not. Better than me. I really don’t know what to do. I almost feel like I am starting over again, the only difference is he talks back, he can tell me what hurts, what he’s thinking and feeling. I have to/get to watch him make mistakes/hurt. He has to ask for help. So many emotions. The relationship I wanted to have with my daughter had to be rethought, looked at from a different perspective; otherwise, I would stay rooted in the past, trying to make sense of what made no sense from the limited perspective I was working from…my own imagined interactions and self-talk. Gender Dysphoria “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 30 The hardest part of Nute’s transition for me was his gender dysphoria. It brought me face-to- face with my past in a way I had not allowed previously. I found myself writing in my journal about how his “hatred” and “disgust” of his body affected me. How I was striving to relate from my own experiences. I’m trying to find connection/understanding of what Nute describes to me in my own experiences. I am finding they don’t really compare. My “shame” of being a girl is not quite the same nor the “I will be safer as a boy.” I am wondering how can I truly know if there is a comparison unless I talk about it, ask questions? How can he know unless he talks, asks questions? More questions than answers. Do I need to understand in order to connect? I found myself avoiding, not wanting and perhaps not ready to see how affected Nute was by his gender dysphoria. In fact, I went almost two weeks without writing, not wanting to face the reality of my own feelings toward his body image, because it brought me face to face with my own issues, causing dissonance within myself. A moment with Nute brought me out of my avoidance and back to journaling. I have been avoiding, uncertain, I want this to be about Nute but I keep trying to find reference to my own life and I am remembering things, my past keeps getting in the way. Not sure what to do about it. Nute painted a picture a while ago, representing me, him and his brother. He asked if he could take down the photo of the three of us and put that up in its place. I said I wasn’t ready. I could tell he was disappointed, so I asked why he didn’t like the photo. “We are all pretending, no one is being real.” “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 31 I brought my kids up the same way I was raised, “pretending.” I really did not know that. This is really bringing a lot of “stuff” to the surface. I was not prepared to remove the photographs that portrayed Nute as my little girl. In fact, the photo described in my journal was Nute at about ten years old, and I wanted to hang on to that and the girl I knew I was losing. His look of disappointment led me to look more closely at what I was afraid of in terms of his changing body, and how pretending had become a way of life for me. It was a way for me to hide from the reality of Nute’s transition. Each new journal entry brought me closer to seeing his gender dysphoria, but also my own. I found that I was constricted by the gender norms I learned as a child, and these came to bare as the changes began to take place outwardly with Nute’s body. One instance stood out. Nute and his brother were preparing to go to Cosplay, as they have done every year since Nute turned 17. He has always dressed in character, and this year was no different. What was different was my reaction to what I witnessed, and the talk I had with myself to help me understand what I was seeing. Nute was dressed up in a cosplay outfit that showed off the feminine parts of his body. I was at first shocked, totally unprepared for the pain I felt in my heart. He said that because it was cosplay, he is a character, it was easy to wear what he did. I am trying to understand, I really am. Yesterday I noticed the hair on his legs and under his arms. I was “bothered” by it because it is not the norm for the female body in the culture/traditions I was raised in, still live in. I guess I am still clinging to what I consider normal, what society considers normal. I have kept trying to make this whole process fit into my old thought/behavioral message patterns that I have grown accustomed to, was raised in. I am finding that is not possible. “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 32 This encounter brought me face-to-face with my own assumptions about gender, or the gender schema that I was raised with. I began to ask myself questions to better understand what I was seeing, and each question brought an imagined interaction of the answer, even if I did not write it down. Even with the questions I was asking, and the imagined interactions that brought insight into my own thought process and ideas, I still struggled with the simple ideas of his body changing and what that meant for me. Nute told me last night that he has scheduled top surgery consultation. I think it bothered me a lot more than I realized. Changing the voice was one thing, dealing with the side effects of T is one thing—he can stop taking them—some side effects are permanent, but ok. But top surgery is another thing, irreversible. What if he changes his mind in 20 years, has regrets? I don’t quite know what to think. Why does this seem like an attack on me? These are his choices, not mine. Through this process of writing, I began to realize that I was struggling with my own gender dysmorphia regarding Nute. I wanted him to stay “my little girl,” not because that was how I was seeing him, but because that is the way it was “supposed” to be. I was clinging to the societal norms I had learned about gender as a young girl and forcing them onto the reality that was Nute. Each entry helped me to look more closely at my own feelings, ask and answer questions through imagined interactions, and become witness to the changes that were occurring with an open mind. Part Two: Paradigm Shift Reviewing the data, I noticed a shift begin to take place. This shift occurred as I began to communicate with individuals within the LGBTQ+ community in the form of oral history 33 “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” interviews. Before these interviews, I was relying solely on the self-concepts and ideas I brought forward from my childhood and previous experiences or interactions I replayed in my mind in the form of imagined interactions. In other words, I was stuck in my own head, striving to make sense of what I was feeling and witnessing. When I began to collect oral history interviews within the LGBTQ+ community, I noticed a change begin to occur in my journal writing as I analyzed the data. The data showed this change occurring in two stages as follows: (i) as I interviewed strangers and began editing Nute’s interview I was no longer relying on imagined interactions and my self-talk, I was interacting with others, learning new ideas that allowed me to create new self-concepts to better understand myself and Nute; and (ii) participating in my own interview and talking to friends and colleagues. Engaging with the Community As I began collecting the oral history interviews, I fell into my comfort zone, which is the part of my job that I feel I am best suited for and am the most passionate about. I have been collecting oral histories since 2012 and I feel at home with this process. With all this in mind I dove into these interviews, relying on my experience to guide me. Yesterday was my first OHI for this project. A transgender man. It was amazing. He was very open and honest, and I was surprised as he described almost exactly what Nute has talked about to me about Gender dysphoria. He hated his boobs and would duct tape, bind to the point of maiming. He was devastated when he had his first period after he started testosterone. He described how he didn’t have the language to adequately describe who he was, what he was, and no one to talk to about it, without fear of being judged. What’s interesting are the similarities to my own life. Feeling isolated as a child, not wanting to be home because of the abuse that was happening there, no one to talk to, the level of denial “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 34 in the home. Different circumstances, same result. This process is helping me to look at my own experience in a new light and I wonder if that is why, as a society we struggle with the LGBTQ+ community. It is easier to ostracize than to look at ourselves. I just happen to be in a place in my life where I am ready—wanting and willing to get to know myself, flaws and all. Even though it is hard. I have hid and run away from myself, been unhappy, didn’t want to be around people who were/are trying to be authentic. Therefore, I will/would shun, stay away from people who are. I don’t want to lower my mask. I am peeling back the layers of myself. In the process I am more open and accepting of others who are doing the same, even though I do not underhand what they are experiencing. How can I? The interviewee did not have the same life as I did. We had similar experiences, yet they were vastly different. What a great/amazing learning process. Deep thoughts/ideas. I was surprised at how open and honest the interviewee was with his life experience. I was even more surprised by the comparisons I was able to make with my own experiences and what Nute was experiencing with his gender dysphoria. What I was not prepared for was the dissonance that occurred as a result. My concepts of gender and acceptance were being challenged, and I realized I needed new language to interact more fully with what was occurring in my own head, the imagined interactions I had played out before starting the interviews. Despite my struggle, the process continued. Each new interview brought new ideas to the surface and allowed me to face the dissonance I felt. I started to discover new ways of looking at what I knew. I found myself creating new concepts that related to Nute’s experiences and my own as I continued to interact with each interviewee. OHI on Thursday with a transgender male. I was feeling very out of sorts before in regards to Nute starting his hormones, but his honesty and willingness to share touched me. He is “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 35 older, I wonder if that has anything to do with it. I might use some of his parting words, they were truly amazing. The interviewee’s parting words brought me back to the first interview I did, the connections I was making about society and acceptance, and the fears associated with gender and change. I was beginning to see the reality of gender performance and how important it is to self-acceptance. His words continued to ring in my head and are as follows (used with permission): In my mind, gender dysphoria, I believe that's less of a psychological issue and more of a society issue. Now obviously I'm not a doctor and obviously I struggle with some of my body parts, but it has more to do with society's reaction and behavior towards me and my body and accepting me for who I am or judging me; downloading a file of expectations based on their interpretation of what my gender is…If society put less stress and stereotyping and stigmatizing towards gender and towards transgender and towards any of that and just let people be, I think that there would be less issues. For instance, I don't like my breasts and I wear a binder to compress them because I don't want the outside world to know that I have breasts because I want them to see the masculine side of me. But honestly, I wish that I could just walk around freely and it didn't matter because part of my issue is when somebody thinks that I'm female, they download a whole encyclopedia of expectations, stereotypes, roles…When a family learns that a baby girl is on the way, they all of a sudden have all of these dreams and hopes and wishes for this specific baby girl versus a baby boy. When you meet a man, you talk to them differently versus when you meet a female…Just knowing somebody's gender changes how you talk to them, how you treat them, how you think about them…If we just remove those expectations, then the dysphoria that's associated with anatomical body parts also dissipates. “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 36 This interviewee gave me the opportunity to see gender dysphoria from another point of view besides what I was witnessing with Nute, and I marveled at how this one perspective mirrored the first interview I conducted. I also began to develop the language I needed to adequately describe what I was feeling and seeing as Nute began taking hormones and outwardly changing his appearance. I was beginning to see how gender is performed and that every individual has their own unique way of performing their gender, finding comfort in who they are. These interviews also helped me to look more closely at and redefine my role as Nute’s mother and the relationship I had with him. Dissonance continued to occur as I looked at our relationship. One interview helped me see my fears and worries about saying and doing the wrong things, especially while interacting with the LGBTQ+ community, which seemed to follow me as I fought to understand my own feelings surrounding Nute’s transition. I have been avoiding to write, afraid maybe, or maybe just avoiding the feelings, old patterns surfacing. On Friday the 13th had another OHI. I struggled with this interview, she needed me to ask questions, draw her out, so different than the previous interview. I was also worried about being condescending, insensitive, over-bearing. I discussed this with the individual who was present with me afterword and he said he noticed. The good part is we discussed or made plans to meet as a group and talk things through. So grateful we did because it was a great discussion. The interviewee was part of the discussion and she mentioned that every time she introduces her wife she is “coming out” so to speak to whomever she is talking to. Something that had not really ever occurred to me, even though I knew it was happening. I allowed myself to be oblivious. I realized I had allowed myself to be oblivious with Nute. However, the interviews and continuing interactions were allowing me the opportunity to get out of my own head and create “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 37 new self-concepts to better interact with Nute and myself. I met with this interviewee a second time and after the interview, I found myself talking to the interviewee about an experience I had the day before regarding old clothes of Nute’s and the memories that were tied to them. She suggested I have a conversation with Nute about old memories. We’ve discussed it a little bit, but not much. I have to be true to myself, while still being Nute’s ally and advocate. Do I have to give up my memories to do that? I do not think so. A lot to think about! I’m afraid of what people will think if Nute changes his mind, I’m afraid of what people will think if I tell them he is transgender. I’m afraid of being hurt. I’m afraid of being cast out by my family for sharing my truth of being ostracized by my friends. Fear. I did not realize how much of it pervades my life. The exchange with the interviewee allowed me to stop asking the same questions over and over and to start looking at what I was truly afraid of. I also started to see the dissonance that was created through the interactions with the LGBTQ+ community and Nute. In addition, it allowed me to have an open and honest conversation with Nute. I had the conversation with Nute. He would prefer I not use the old name but is okay with the feminine pronouns when referring to his younger self. This whole process is a struggle, not just outwardly, but inwardly…Friday night, Nute came into my room when he got home, I was already in bed and he said, “Guess what mom, can you hear it? Listen.” I knew what he wanted me to hear but I could not notice a difference in his voice. He was so excited by it. The next morning, I could hear it a little bit. I was sad, and happy all at the same time. I see his happiness, but I realize that my girl is going away, fading. Maybe “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 38 I just need to look at it differently. Nute is still Nute. He just sees himself differently than I do. The dreams I had for Natalie were my dreams, they were about me, not about Natalie. Perception? As I continued learning from the interactions with the interviewees, I was beginning to see how important dissonance is in the creation of new self-concepts. My discomfort pushed me to continue the process, step outside my own intrapersonal interactions and learn from those who were living authentically every day. I was also allowing myself to see how one’s culture, and the communication within that culture helps to shape one’s realty. Another OHI today. So unique. When she talked about being lesbian she just lit up. It was rather amazing to see. At one point she talked about how as a young girl she told herself that girls couldn’t like girls—the way we talk to ourselves—culture cues matter. The oral history interviews, or engaging with the LGBTQ+ community, opened a door within myself that allowed me to see how limiting my imagined interactions had been regarding Nute and where I fit in his life. They provided an opportunity for me to start creating new self-concepts as dissonance occurred from what I was taught at an early age, and also reinforced in the society I lived in. Engaging with Nute The second part of my paradigm shift occurred with Nute’s participation in an oral history interview. In the early stages of this project, he agreed to participate in one, to share his story and add it to the others I was collecting. I did not conduct the interview with Nute. I felt it would be a conflict for myself and Nute, and that he might not be as open with me, as his mother. Instead, I chose to edit his interview, relying on my experience to help guide me through “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 39 the process. Again, I found myself unprepared for the dissonance that occurred, and how little I truly knew my child. I listened to Nute’s interview. He is very honest, has opinions, think for himself, has his own voice/views—when did this happen? Was I not looking? How did I not notice? He says things about his dad, and I got uncomfortable, dissing authority? Not really, my perception. I think it goes back to the man being the authority, how I was raised. So much here. Listening to his words gave me the opportunity to see that my ideas, or the reality I had created of who Nute was as my child, was in dissonance with his reality. I stepped away from my own internal thoughts and gave myself the opportunity to truly see my child through his own words. I was engaging with Nute in a new, unique way. A few days later I continued this unique interaction with Nute when I began editing his interview. I reflected on my thoughts at the time and found dissonance in what I believed and what actually occurred as he interacted with his world. My self-concepts about my role as his mother and our relationship began to shift as I wrote about what I read as I edited his interview. I realized I am trying to avoid reality of my own life, and that spills over onto Nute. If I ignore the voice change it won’t be real. Where have I heard that before? I also started to edit Nute’s interview. He understands a lot more than I thought he did. I also assumed that he didn’t experience the same gender issues that other trans kids have, or at least that I have interviewed. Not my kid. I was wrong, he did, I just never saw it, he hid it so well, but at the same time I could not look at myself clearly. I was trying to bury the abuse, assume it did not happen, that it was not real, trying to hide from my own sexual feelings that I did not understand…I am not running now. I acknowledge the abuse, the confusion of my feelings at times. I so want to be there for Nute that I am looking, I am being honest with “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 40 myself. Even when it comes to religion. I grew up in the LDS religion, but never asked questions, I never found my own faith/truth. Now I do not know what to think, but I have found my spirituality, my faith in a power greater than myself with the help of my 12-step support group. Engaging with Nute through his oral history interview helped me to see him, but also brought me face-to-face with my own reality. Taking the time to communicate with Nute in this unique way, listen to his story, and see his point of view, helped me to better understand myself and the mother I wanted to be. It gave me the opportunity to step outside of my imagined interactions and see how things truly were. Self-concept Cycle-Coming Full Circle The final and most surprising part of my paradigm shift occurred when I participated in my own oral history interview. As I interacted with members of the LGBTQ+ community through oral history interviews, I realized how honest and courageous they were. They were willing to be vulnerable with a complete stranger in order to help me understand their experiences, and to help bring clarity to the experiences I was having with Nute. Because of these interactions, I wondered why I was so afraid to share my own story, to be that vulnerable with myself. As a result, I decided to participate in my own oral history interview, and I began that process a few days later. I met with Alyssa and Chauney and did the beginning of my own OHI for this project. I was as honest as I could be, before beginning we said a prayer which helped immensely. “God I pray for clarity to see what you would have me see, and the courage to talk about it.” I believe that happened. I have been struggling since, which is why I believe I have been avoiding. Just a thought. My head hurts, so I am going to walk away. “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 41 After this first interview, I started noticing that my journal writing changed after each subsequent interview with members of the community. I was able to find comparisons with my own life and be honest with myself. My self-concepts were changing. Interviewed another member of the LGBTQ+ community. He grew up here in Ogden, LDS, he was very honest, forth coming. He had no one to talk to growing up, so he turned to pornography. Not addiction, trying to learn about his sexuality. Kept telling himself if he just tried hard enough, it, who he was, would go away and he would be normal. I can draw correlations to my own life. No one to talk to, to help me understand what I was feeling…Shame kept me from talking, fear. He talked about wanting to be in the Celestial Kingdom with his family and that would not happen if he was gay. Another correlation. I wondered was I worthy? Was I doing enough? Constantly checking to see where I stood, but never talking to anyone. The reality of the concepts I learned as a child were in dissonance with what I was learning from the community and seeing about myself. This process was terrifying and there were definite moments where I wanted to stop the dissonance, the change by just walking away. However, I continued to push forward and sat for the second part of my interview. I did the second part of my interview…I shared the struggles I had with sexual feelings dating my would-be husband. They did not fit into the narrative I had told myself growing up to make sense of what was happening to me. It’s almost as though I needed new language, but it is super hard to find that language when you isolate yourself. Belief systems, definitions, what I was raised to know—what had I redefined in my belief systems by being introduced to new things? “Does this work for me?” What is my definition of unconditional love--then and now? What have I owned that is not in alignment of who I “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 42 am today? What definitions have I changed? A willingness to look at myself, look inside, ask the questions, own crap—Own/look at without blame. I was no longer asking questions about Nute, i.e., why was he transitioning? Instead, I began to ask questions about my own behavior. I began to question the core beliefs I learned as a child. I began to look at myself and peel back the layers I had created to protect myself from the environment I was raised in. I was beginning to see how isolating myself had hampered my growth as a mother, and how important communicating with others is in developing self-concepts. Two weeks later, I finished my oral history interview, and the internal changes continued to spill out onto the pages of my journal. Finished my oral history, I felt compelled to get it finished however long it took…I shared so much, talked about swinging, my inability to say no, alcoholism, trying to control it, coming to terms with and loving myself as a woman. I am still processing, but I feel so much. I feel so much. This morning I woke up with the idea that accepting each moment, being present for each moment will help me to relax. The thought that, “I’ll be better when I know this (Nute’s transition) is real,” projecting into the future for acceptance. I did this as a young girl, wanting to be anywhere but present. “I will be happy/safe when I am older, at school, playing basketball.” So many ways to escape from the present, None of them real. It has been hard to accept the reality of Nute’s choice to transition. I do feel hurt in a way like, “Why isn’t what she was born with not good enough?” As I watched Nute move/interact with his environment last night I really could see the male/the man. I feel comfortable “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 43 around him—is that because I am more comfortable with myself, or he’s more comfortable with himself? Is it a combination of both? I am still afraid to share with acquaintances, worry about judgement/acceptance, but as I come to accept myself, I am less worried about what others think. Looking at the data and analyzing it from a researcher’s perspective I realized that when I started this journey, I was determined to make it about Nute, I shied away from looking to closely at myself, as evidenced in those first journal entries. The journal also allowed me to see that by opening myself up to other points of view, I was able to be more honest in my own intrapersonal dialogue and continue the process of allowing my dissonance to create new self-concepts regarding Nute and his transition. Finally, the data showed a shift in writing which occurred as I finished participating in my own oral history interview. Sharing my story, being honest with myself, gave me the opportunity to see the woman I had been hiding from and in return to see the man Nute was growing into. The culmination of this journey came towards the end of the journal, when all the pieces of the puzzle came together. Nute and I went shopping to buy him a suit for an upcoming wedding. I was worried there might be harassment, people giving us a hard time, but there was none of that. He tried on a few suit jackets till he found the right one and it was all okay. But I was worried. The reality is that I have no idea what it is like to be Nute. I do not know what he feels or thinks—what right do I have to judge? I’ve been thinking a lot about my own choices, my own feelings…I have been running away from it all. I made the comment to a few close friends that buying Nute the clothes he wanted to wear was the first time shopping for clothes with Nute was enjoyable for me. My only input was “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 44 how the suit jacket fit, not the choice. There was dissonance in shopping for “male” clothes, but I was able to look at the experience with the new self-concept I was creating as a result of this journey. A few days later, I had just woken up, getting ready to take Rue out when Nute came upstairs. He was dressed in his suit. I was taken aback at first because he looked so good. Then I really looked at him, my son, he looked so beautiful and happy, content. My little girl is gone, fading and yet my child is still present. My Nute is still there. I ended up taking pictures of him by his car. It was amazing and beautiful and truly touching to me. Discussion My journey is one example of a parent’s journey with a child who identifies as transgender. I am an educated white woman in her late forties who resides with and interacts with her child on a daily basis. My child is an adult, and of consenting age when he began his transition, which limited the role I had in the decision process to transition. I reside in a predominantly white, culturally diverse neighborhood in a state that is heavily influenced by one religion. All these factors contributed, or hindered my autoethnography, and leave the door open for studies to be conducted in differing cultural and ethnic backgrounds. Although there have been studies done involving parents and transgender children (Manning, Homes, Sansfacon, Newhook and Travers 2013; Hildalgo and Chen 2019; Frigerio, Montali, Anzani & Prunas 2021), these mostly dealt with minor children. That being said, Abreu, Rosenkrantz, Ryser-Oatman, Rostosky and Riggle (2019) in their literature review on parents’ reaction to transgender children explain that most studies within the LGBTQ+ community deal mostly with LGB individuals and not transgender individuals. This omission provides an “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 45 opportunity for more studies to be done in the communication field with transgender individuals both minor and adult, and their families, and how communication affects the transition process. As a mother, witnessing my child’s transition, I noted how my emotions and my internal dialogue pervaded my thought process while coming to terms with and accepting his transition. Abreu et al. (2019) relate that some parents of transgender children “experienced intense emotional reactions when they first learned about their child’s TGD identity,” and some of those emotions included “grief and loss of their children’s identity as assigned at birth. Some parents mourned the loss of the future they envisioned for their children (e.g., such as having children, getting married); others conceptualized their children’s transitioning as similar to their children dying” (p. 476). How can communication between parents and their transgender children affect this process? In my case, I had to look beyond my home and into the community to find understanding and acceptance, not only of my child, but also myself. I also witnessed a transformation happening within myself as I went through this journey in the form of an autoethnography with my child. Abreu et al., notes that “findings from 29 studies suggested that parents underwent a transformation process of their own upon learning they had a TGD child” (p. 477). The transformation involved developing new parental skills and behaviors which included (i) looking for new informative resources and developing flexibility in the thinking process, (ii) looking for support and making connections in the transgender community, and (iii) dealing with isolation and recognizing the toll on mental health. Obtaining an IRB was my way, as a parent, to take care of Nute’s emotional well-being, but at the same time my own emotional safety as well. The IRB process gave me the opportunity to look at the impact the study might have, and place safeguards for both of our well-being. I recommend the IRB approach to any parent wishing to take a similar journey. “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 46 During this journey, this transformation process, I sought new ideas and ways of coping with the trauma I had experienced as a child as it came up in my journal writing. I read B. Brown’s (2010, 2012) books on vulnerability and shame to combat the intrapersonal communication that I was afraid to release. As I began my oral history interview, I reached out to my therapist when I realized I was ready to look at my childhood sexual trauma. She recommended L. Brown’s (2015) book about healthy relationships after childhood trauma. This allowed me to reexamine my parenting skills from a new perspective, the present. It also showed me the importance of accepting ones’ own past while parenting in the present. In addition, it showed me how important positive intrapersonal communication is in all relationships. I recommend for any parent who embarks on a journey similar to mine to enlist the help of a therapist, to help navigate the impact the journey will have as the transformation occurs. There are several avenues of research to pursue within intrapersonal communication and how it affects the parenting process of transgender children. One area is the use of imagined interaction. Honeycutt, White and Swirsky (2016) conducted a study on imagined interaction and LGBT identity but limited it to just the LGBT individuals. There have been studies exploring the communication between parents and their LGBT children (Denes & Afifi 2014), and in differences in the imagined and real encounters between LGBT and heterosexual individuals (Conley & Devine 2007) but understanding imagined interactions in conjunction with parents and their transgender children could offer insights for other parents to learn from and find the connections they need to better understand their own process. Cognitive dissonance is another area where communication can have an impactful role. Abreu et al. found research (Gray, Sweeney, Randazzo & Levitt, 2015; Hill & Menvielle, 2009; Spivey, Huebner & Diamond, 2018) that “described a tension between parents’ ideologies and 47 “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” beliefs about gender and their children’s TGD identity.” They found further studies (Alegria, 2018; Rahilly, 2015; Wren, 2002) that “indicated that parents had difficulty reconciling their children’s TGD identity with previously held prejudices about TGD individuals, gender expression and gender binaries over all” (p. 476). I noted how my core beliefs about gender and sex that I learned from an earlier age, was in dissonance with what I was witnessing with my own child. I chose to step outside of my own narrative and find a new self-concept through interpersonal communication in the form of oral histories. What other forms of communication could benefit parents and children as they navigate their own dissonance through the transition process? An additional avenue for research is the importance of queer performative theory to understanding gender and how it is perceived by individuals. I scratched the surface of performative theory and how it relates to communication between parents and transgender children. Butler provides a great starting point for studies into performative theory and communication, and notes in her 1999 preface of Gender Trouble that questions regarding her theory and further research into its validity led her to question her own motives for writing the book. She also noted there was room for growth and further research. For instance, what can be learned about the family through queer performative theory (Few-Demo…), what can other parents offer through their own experiences with their LGBTQ children (Korkmaz), and how is motherhood affected and changed through this process of performance and acceptance (Averett, K. 2021). Final thoughts When I began this journey, my goal was to better understand my child. I wanted to look at how I communicated with my child and offer insight for other parents navigating the “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 48 challenges associated with raising and living with a transgender child. All of this became a reality, but more importantly, I provided space that allowed me to come face-to-face with myself, to tear down the walls I had built as a young child to protect myself from the trauma and culture I was raised in. I underwent my own transformation and discovered myself in the process. I was finally able to see myself as the woman that I am and am grateful for the opportunity to continue my own personal journal while living the truth I discovered about myself. It has been a year since Nute came out as transgender and began the process of transition. The other day I recognized the benefit of this journey on our relationship and how important intrapersonal and interpersonal communication is in our relationship. I was unloading the dishwasher and Nute’s dog started to get in the way, become a nuisance, so I said to her, “Shiva go get your mama.” Nute was standing very close to me and stopped in his tracks and just looked at me. I felt his gaze, so I looked up and recognized the “look” he was giving me. 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Expanding analytic autoethnography and enhancing its potential. Journal of Contemporary Ethnography, 35(4), 405-409. Warfel, K. A. (1984). Gender Schemas and Perceptions of Speech Style. Communication Monographs, 51(3), 253-267. Wren, B. (2002). “I can accept my child is transexual but if I ever see him in a dress I’ll hit him”: Dilemmas in parenting a transgendered adolescent. Clinical Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 7, 377-397. Appendix Themes (Step One) Lack of understanding Comparison’s self and Nute As a way of understanding Self-reflection…looking inward Understanding the self Emotional language Fear, scared, shame, trauma, Struggling, venerable, self-hatred, sad, overwhelmed Inability to say “no” Learning from others Grief (stages) and loss Parallel process Similarities self, childhood and Nute Progressive change (self) during the writing Reality What it is. Avoiding Self-acceptance “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 56 Cultural influence Cultural cues, normativity, religion, letting go of expectations and perceptions Personal growth Spirituality…letting go, Al-anon, change in beliefs, self-acceptance Hiding and isolation Self and others Motherhood and role as mom Personal health Witnessing Nute’s transition Pride, fear, doubt, emotions, letting go Digging deeper (sexualized relationships) Losing intimacy, Change in relationship Control and choice Owning my own part, trying to control others and narrative, choices that Nute’s making Judgement Self, others’ perceptions Learning process Gender dysphoria, use of pronouns, name Theories (Step Two) Intrapersonal communication Comparison self and Nute, control and choice, self-reflection, hiding/isolation, personal growth, questioning, emotional language Interpersonal communication Inability to say “no”, learning from others, grief and loss (stages), witnessing transformation Family communication Gender communication Motherhood, gender dysphoria, language pronouns, sexualized relationships, cultural influences (expectations, stereotypes, gender cues, perception, language), judgement self and others, Religion communication “Mom, I Have Something to Tell You.” 57 Step Three Self-Concepts A. Role of Mother B. Parent/Child Relationship C. Gender Dysphoria D. Relationship with Self Intrapersonal Communication Interpersonal Communication Culture...Gender Schema Thoery Culture...Queer Performative Thoery