Why be difficult? With a little effort you can become impossible! Photo by Earl A. Barlow HOW TO BE AN OLD MAID By AUDRI MONTGOMERY and KITTY MOORE Fourteen Why be an old maid? Looking at this title, many of you girls engaged, going steady or even married may wonder what is so spectacular about being a spinster. Well, not that we want you to crowd the divorce courts and "hole up" at Reno or join the women's foreign legion, but here are some interesting arguments on the subject. An old maid is free to travel. Wouldn't you like to see the world Siberia, the Fiji Islands, or the South Pole, for example? Well, all the world the average housewife sees, she sees through the southeast window over the kitchen sink. Then if she is lucky in her old age, she can see the world from a rocking chair on the front porch of the nearest Old Folks' Home. Suppose your life's ambition is to collect china figurines. When you are single, you can collect as fast as you please; but if you are married your progress goes something like this: one china dog, one china cat, one china mouse, less one china dog (Hubby thought it was a cigarette lighter and flipped its tail off), less one china mouse (Baby thought it was candy and swallowed it). So what are you left with? One china cat and 99 out of 100 chances it will be smashed to slivers by son Herkimer's basketball next week. Have you noticed whom everyone in the family turns to when things go wrong? That's absolutely right the old maid aunt. Dear Auntie acts as trusted baby tender, nurse, First National Bank, and Dorothy Dix to the whole ka-boodle. And why? Because she is filthy rich, literally rolling in dough, and her time is her own. Auntie's not the loneliest but the most sought after person in town. One more item for the defense. Families are always trying to keep up with the Snozzlewhits, the Hiptrots, and, oh yes, the Joneses. But not old maid Annie. She is the most radical person in town. If she wants to wear red underwear, green hair, or chartreuse fingernail polish, who is there to stop her? Nobody! She's the freest, happiest person in the community. Who cares about the Snozzlewhits? They're all trying to keep up with Annie. So how do you get to be an old maid? The possibilities are endless. Almost any nitwit girl can be one by using her own tried and true technique. In fact, many girls are born with the ability to become an old maid. They don't have to put forth any effort at all. Take Toomeny, for example. Toomeny was next to the oldest in a family of thirteen girls. All of these girls were real beauties. Whenever a boy came to call, it was literally a matter of the early bird catches the worm. Toomeny and her sisters battled against each other, sharpening their wits and tongues to win the young man's affection, or else among themselves to make fun of him. They became known throughout the country for their sharp comebacks. Since, as movie star Pat Medina said, men don't care for witty girls, they were left to laugh at each other. So they laughed right on to the very end. Another example of the family's contributing to the girl's success as an old maid is the story of Toomeny's cousin, Momma's Girl. Momma's Girl was so dependent upon her parents for love and shelter, and they upon her, she couldn't leave them. Even when Clem Mac-Dougall offered her his own love and shelter, she couldn't leave and then and there showed the sturdy will to say "no" that after a while guaranteed spinsterhood. One other important factor many girls are born with is being as "homely as a mud fence." Take the case of Ugh Lee. She was the most inhuman girl anyone had ever seen. Ugh was often confused with animals in the zoo, and after several successful attempts at evading her pursuers, she became a zoo keeper. She never discovered from personal experience that man is just an animal too. Many girls are so intelligent that people have a hard time getting along with them. One girl here at college tried to hook Jerry Handsome, but he, like Jim Speeler, wanted a girl dumber than himself, and so the girl was saved from her seeming fate as a housewife. It's like Mrs. Dean of Women says: "Boys don't like girls who have to be the authority on everything or think they know everything." But what is a bit of passing unpopularity in the face of such a good final result? Unemotional girls are well on their way to reaching old maidhood. These are the girls who refuse to fall in love. Nothing could make Frozen Fran interested in a boy. She wouldn't let him kiss her good night, hold her hand or even leer at her crookedly. Whistles made her walk faster. Men were pillars of salt to her, to be tolerated but certainly not played up to or upon. She had the right idea. When a boy got in the way of her vision, she merely looked through him; and walked over him if he didn't jump. But these are the lucky ones girls who have inherited a natural art for cooling the fires in man. Such women are threatened by internal combustion perhaps only once in a lifetime, but with other dames the danger is there forever. For instance, there is the woman who is naturally gifted as an arsonist always setting little blazes in the tinder-dry hearts of men and boys. If you are one of those who are having trouble with too many wolves at the door, here are some tips to help you throw dish water on them, as much as you hate dish water. These tips fall into two categories long range plans and temporary strategems. We'll start off with the long range plans. (Turn to page 25) "Ten minutes more and you can come up for air." Fifteen