12 THE ACORN Professor Bradford (In Physical Georgaphy) Are there any swift currents under the ocean? Francis Poulter (In stage whisper) I don't know, but currants go swift in pudding. OUR FACULTY. Ten in a row they sit, jolly and sober. Some scarcely try to smile, some laugh all over, Some are tall and some are short, Some are thin and some are not. On one thought their minds incline, And they make a goodly line. Our Faculty. Professor Land (In Physics, explaining a law in gravity) Mr. Shurtliff, what would happen if I should hit thi3 desk with an egg? Wilford Why, the egg would break of course. Professor Land No, no. Wilford Well, then the table would fly up and hit the egg. Professor Lind That is perfectly meaningless. Emmett has discovered a new law in Physics: A pendulum will vibrate until It stops. Professor Lind (Zoology class in the act of tracing the mosquito's nerve cord) Why, this isn't hard. The students in the medical colleges have to dissect human bodies and trace every tiny nerve. Charles West Where do they get the bodies? Professor Land Oh, many people sell their bodies to them. Mary Wood Well, I wouldn't sell them mine. Orla Woolley I've read that those who sell their bodies to the medical colleges are mostly drunkards. I should think the bodies would be so deformed that they wouldn't be any good for the students. Professor Lind Oh, yes. They are well preserved in alcohol. A dialogue for the first week of school. Scene: Office, Faculty and pupils straightening out conflicts. Principal McKay Oh, this is worse than playing checkers. Professor McKendrick I have five moves to every one of yours. Professor Terry Here is a man wedged in between two kings. Professor Bradford What are they? Professor Terry European History between Geometry and Phychology. Professor McKendrick I guess we'll have to make another hour in the day. Principal McKay Couldn't we put this class at noon? Suffering pupil Oh, Brother McKay, then I won't get any dinner. Principal McKay The only way I can see is for you to fast. Couldn't we put one of my classes at eight in the morning? Professor Terry I should think we could. Professor McKendrick That's the only way I can see unless you have it at seven. (Pupil gasps and turns pale.) Principal McKay Then the class will meet at eight. (Pupils look relieved.) Professor T. E. McKay Well, I see, I'll have to milk the cow. (All laugh. That is, Professor Shurtliff has the paper in front of his face. It is suposed that he laughs too.) All proceed to business. Curtain. On September 13 Principal McKay was afraid two cooked dinners and three cold lunches would cause dyspepsia. By September 16 he became desperate and defied dyspepsia, saying, "Oh. well, you won't miss your dinner, and it will do you good to fast." Blanche I am going into the chicken business. Orla Why so? Blanche Well, I have a Hen(e)ry. THE ACORN 13 Teacher (In Kindergarten explaining a song) Of course we cannot take our wings in flying away. Now, what shal we do? Manning Take to our heels. Professor Lind (In Zoology class Arthur, what bugs have you been studying? Budge (dryly) Humbugs. PRACTICAL PHILOSOPHY. Never judge a young woman's cooking by the cakes she sends to a picnic party. The most successful way to fire china is to use dishes instead of bootjacks in breaking up cat concerts. EXCHANGE. We are always glad to receive papers from our neighboring schools. We are not only benefited by what is written in them, but we are interested in the sayings and doings of other students. A judge pointing his cane toward a prisoner before him asio": "There is a great rogue at the end of this stick." "At which end, your honor?" asked the prisoner. Ex. Teacher (In German) Why is the feminine gender applied to a steamboat or ship? Male Student (viewing the girls) Because it makes such a funny noise when it tries to whistel. Ex. "Say, do you remember, I asked you once what you gave your sick horse, and you said, 'turpentine?' Well, it killed my horse." "It killed mine, too." Ex. The Maiden If I were Admiral Togo I would disable the Russian ships by breaking their masts. Preside What good would that do? Many of the Russians are themselves Poles, and they have Finns, too. The Classicum is always good and never fails to have a good collection of laughable jokes. Mary had a wad of gum. That gum was white as snow, And everywhere that Mary went, That gum was sure to go. It went with her to school one day, Which was against the rule. Teacher took that gum away And chewed it after school. Ex. We are all very sure that our Principal would not do such an awful deed. Sunday School Teacher What did Lot's wife do? Bright Scholar She went into the rubber business, and just managed to make her salt. Ex. We hope the "Chronicle" win express more good thoughts on "College Spirit."