THE WORM TURNS on the CLUBS Comment by Common Tater Illustrated by LaMoyne Garside As the treadmill goes around and around, here is a "man's social unit" known as Alpha Rho stepping off and up before St. Peter. The first witness is, by way of giving a fair estimate, a member of the unit. The other witness, as is too often the case, is a critic. Member: A fine bunch of fellows. Not too big. Everybody knows everybody else. Alpha Rho is going places. Excelsior Man: Just a sort of fifth teat. They used to sponsor boxing . . . This year they didn't. Job: Let it pass. I suffered from boils. St. Peter: Then there is Otyokwa. No member is about. Members are still cramming ... for a test they have decided to prepare for. Male non-member: They are beautiful but not brainy. St. Peter: The volunteer witness, since willing witnesses are in demand, also will stand up for LaDianaeda on the day of final accounting. Witness: They are brainy but not beautiful. Job: Have you no charity ... no cross of your own to bear ... no affliction of your own ... no boils, let us say . . . no brains, no beauty! Witness: I am a simple Phoenix man. St. Peter: Is that good? Witness: We don't drink. But we like parties . . . like to play kid games. We are darn good guys . . . just out for a bunch of fun. St. Peter: (Lifting warning forefinger). No profanity, please! Would the Excelsior man please take the stand? What have you to say for Phoenix? Excelsior Man: Nothing that's printable. Peter: You may take the stand on your own behalf. Do you love your fellow man? Excelsior Man: In a way . . . That is, we love our fellow woman. Otyokwa Woman: (One early bird has arrived for the test.) And How! St. Peter: Do Excelsior men smoke? Excelsior Man: (Judicially.) Can't think of a single one. Now ask if we drink. Job: (With an awful frown.) Silence in the court! St. Peter: We must proceed with more speed. Although it is perhaps a great way off, a great deal of time will be required for the J. B. Lee case. There will be a temptation to be hasty there, Job . . . Get on with the calendar. Chanodo take the stand. Chanodo Member: Robin Hood has done a lot for Chanodo. Peter: I class him as a scalawag. Chanodo Member: (Happily.) I class him as Gary Loosli. Peter: On with serious business . . . Iota. Iota Member: Garside draws us very well. Peter: Job, Job, what is this "garside" word . . . profanity mayhap? Otyokwa Woman Number Two: (Another has arrived.) The name is mud with all Otyokwa girls. He is unfair to beauty of flesh. St. Peter: How is he to beauty of spirit? Sharmea Club: (Speaking in chorus.) Very fair. He is a Mike Angelo type. 4 SHARMEA: No, Pink Lady is not a drink. EXCELSIOR: "They used to do us with a classic profile." CHANODO: "Robin Hood, save us." ALPHA RHO: Boxing is too rough now SIGMA: Suds is suds. Pete: And who are you? Club: We are the Pink Ladies. Pete: Isn't there a drink called the Pink Lady? Sigma Man: I can speak from experience as a taster. Pete: Yes, my good fellow? Sigma Man: They ain't something to drink. Delta Phi Man: I wish to testify on the book that Sharmea is bright of eye, clear of soul and orthodox in interpretation. Sigma Man: Yeah, but how are they on holds? Delta Phi Man: (Blinking a darkened left blinker.) I must say in all fairness that defensively they are above reproach. St. Peter: Now to return to the Iota case. Are they the ones who win basketball or what? Sigma Man: Yea, but they ain't this year. Iota Woman: We are modest. Skull Man: Modest and muscular. And you can say it again. St. Peter: "Skull?" Skull Man: It refers to heads. We are noted for our good heads. Sigma Man: Are they still on the campus? Skull Man: At least we are still. Pete: (Who fell off back a ways.) I will record it so. You are noted for your good deeds. Job: (Aside to audience.) St. Peter is not as young as he was ... a little hard of hearing. Skull Man: Thank you so much! St. Peter: It is so good to receive gratitude . . . Thus I will put it down: Sigma was once a strong race of men. will take its case under advisement. Court will be recessed until we can find someone to say a good word for the club. Eddie Vendell: I object. SKULL: Strongly encased minds. OTYOKWA: "Why make a gargoyle out of Pocahontas?" PHOENIX: Likes kid games ... no post-office. IOTA: Drawn by Mike Angelo. LA DIANAEDA: Hi ho for a sailor lad. 5