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Show PUNISHMENT FITS THE CRIME Golden-How some of these old songs do haunt me! She-Well, you've often murdered them. Sid-Do you think a girl could love be- fore twenty? Bruce-Nope, too large an audience. WHAT'S IN A NAME Phil-May I call you by your first name? Clone-By your last name, if you wish. The little pig was weeping, For his father had been slain; But a porcupine, consoling, said, "Oh, porcupine in vain." "My!" exclaimed Mr. Kasius at the sophomore cotillion, "this floor's awfully slippery. It's hard to keep on your feet." "Oh," replied the fair partner sarcasti- cally, "then you were really trying to keep on my feet? I thought it was purely acci- dental." FLOW GENTLY, SWEET AFTON! I was standing by the waters, The stream was flowing by, It cast its fair reflection A-glittering in my eye. * * My thoughts were all of you, dear, My heart was brightly growing, When suddenly I noticed The wash-bowl was over-flowing! WHY HE WENT Bank Client-Halloa! What's become of the old cashier? New Cashier-He's gone away. Client-For a rest? New Cashier-No; to avoid arrest. CONSOLATION From the Agony column-Young man re- cently rejected, desires apartments adjoin- ing those of young couples with a baby that cries all night, causing father to pro- menade in pajamas; good, loud swearer preferred. Frances-What shape kisses do you pre- fer, Frank? Frank-Give me one and I'll call it square Terry-Do you know how far it is from one of your ears to the other? Ekins-No, how far? Terry-Just one block. The lad was sent to college And now Dad cries, "Alack!" He spent a thousand dollars, And got a quarterback. Prof. Jensen-What lesson do you learn from the busy bee? Claud-Not to get stung. "What's that boy yelling at? "Why he's just yelling at the top of his Mr. Blaylock (in history)-The general, excited in the attack, lost his right wing. ODE To SAUSAGE Ah! Little sausage, who'd a-thunk That you would end in such a chunk, When once you roamed the alley free, And made all cats take to a tree! Now thou art done; thy course is run, Cheer up, the wurst is yet to come. Jensen-Who discovered America? Woods-Ohio. Jensen-Oh, no, Columbus discovered it. Woods-Oh, yes, that was his first name. LATEST BOOKS "My Year With the Midgets," Porter; "How to Be a Gentleman," Rhees; "Vamp- ing As a Science," Tate; "Wine, Women, Song," Wotherspoon; "The Irish and the Laundry," O'Neill; "The Art of Mooching," Critchlow; "Rusty, the Lovelorn," Tanner; "The Eternal Triangle," Jeppson; "My Broadway Successes," Mortenson; "The Perfect Lover," Holmes; "Home Brew and Bootlegging," Taylor; "Garland, the Eden of Utah," Linford; "Friendly Rivals," Kasius. FAMOUS SAYINGS BY FAMOUS PEOPLE "Have you heard the latest"-Dorothy Nichols. "We of the infirmative"-Alvin Leish- man. "Prejudace"-Bobby Wilkinson. "Mess"-Pat Chamberlain. "Note that"-Dr. Lind. "Just my luck"-K. George Farley. "Ya seen Cora?"-Grant Dahlstrom. "Cremation of Sam McGee"-Jack Croft. "No chance; just gotta pint"-Hugh Taylor. "Isn't he wonderful"-Ruth Scowcroft. "Joe-Joe-Joe"-Marge Brewer. "Now, up in Idaho Falls"-Lottie Ham- mer. "$*!:()- a=ce..i) (|"-Cyril Elkins. |