A DISSERTATION ON WOMEN Woman may be classified under two heads the domestic type and the wild type. Scientists have been involved in much experimental and research work for the past hundred years to provide the world with some means of codifying or distinguishing this order from other living organisms. Being firm and staunch followers of the doctrine that beauty is only skin deep and having the knowledge that plants have a definite cell wall in contrast to animals, those immortal scientists arrived at their first conclusion, that women are plants. This was a great stride along the path of progress a stride which has enabled us to distinguish the pansy from the lily in regard to appearance, habitat, actions, and origin. Great and remarkable as the scientists may be it seems that they have failed to collect any specimens for their domestic classification. In view of this fact, it will be impossible to gain a clear conception of this sub-division of the order; hence, we must direct our efforts toward a more thorough understanding of the wild type or family, as it will be known. All genera coming within the scope of this family have certain definite and universal characteristics. These may be summed up as follows: somewhat hidden or shaded habitat (although some do thrive in the wide open spaces); extremely rapid adaptation to conditions brought about by invading colonists; lack of chlorophyll (they are not green); doubtful origin. The two main sub-divisions or genera of this family, we learn, are the parasites and saprophytes. In regard to speed of growth these two genera are fairly equal except that the former has the strange characteristic of entwining itself around the host until it (he) finds it impossible to resume normal everyday functions. The saprophytes arc unique in that they live upon dead organisms (organisms which were thought to be dead but which have received a new lease on life in the form of a second childhood). These victims of this genus of women are preyed upon the extent that their lives' earnings are withered and their heads are dried to a state of extreme flocculency. There are a great many species which are classified under these two genera in fact too many to name to say nothing of describing them all in detail. Taking this fact into consideration, it would be folly to attempt such a vain task a task which has cost the lives of no small number of scientists. Let us express our sincere gratitude to these men for their untiring efforts along these lines to provide us with a means of distinguishing poison ivy from the nettle and "Lily of the Valley" from "Mountain Myrtle." Cuspidonio This is page twenty-six. A DISSERTATION ON MEN The meaning of the word masculine, which refers to those necessary nuisances known as men, comes from the Greek, maskos, girl, and eukolos, easy. Thus we have, easy for the girls. After much intensive research into the matter I have discovered that men, like insects, can he classified with full ardor. Using the phylum man as a "beginning it would work out something as follows: Phylum I: Man (homo spaiens) Class A: Bachelors, from Latin "bacillus, a stick, unattached. Hence an unattached man which any coed may stick, stick to, or get stuck on. Sub-class 1: Woman Haters, merely a term. The actual species has ceased to exist. Sub-class 2: Gigolos, characterized by the presence of much hair oil and equally oily manners, Receives filthy lucre for his fascinating attentions. The class is sadly depleted since the depression. Sub-class 3: Drugstore cowboys, characterized by loud neckties and dilapidated cords. Habitat, usually the College Inn. Known to subsist mainly on U-No's, cokes, and Dentyne. Sub-class 4: Artists, have a positive pose and an uncertain income. Often shy on meal tickets but strong on technique. An artist may be a soda-jerk, tiddlywinks expert, or a second Paul Gilgen. Sub-class 5: Athletes, characterized by a dignified bunch of muscles, but usually unable to go on laboratory hikes or work for tuition. Sub-class 6: Angels, heavenly inelegibles with wings and a harp, or earthly eligibles with money and a heart (extinct). Class B: Politicians, characterized by congenial smiles and much hot air. The path of a politician leads but to the gravy. Class C: Enthusiasts, those who preach four times as much as they believe and believe four times as much as they ought to. Class D: Scholars, known by their inch-thick glasses and meek demeanor. Pale of complexion and extremely neglectful of the real education of life. Class E: Cynics, those who know the price of everything and the value of nothing. (See the Wild Hares.) Class F: Pansies, the type that stand for hours before a mirror, combing their hair. Sometimes are seen wearing green sweaters with orange hands on them. Class G: Cannibals (figuratively speaking), those heathen hoboes who never work but live on other people. Class H: Married Men all the above mentioned types sooner or later belong to this class. I expect to receive due appreciation and probably a Pulitzer prize for this outstanding classification of that indispensible nuisance, the man. Abigail This is page twenty-seven