COLLEGE INN THE WEBER BUM'S ODE TO DEJECTION There once was a bum who was a bum, Better than you, or you, Or Gealta, or Kincaid, or Smiley Or one of the Wild Hare crew. He carved his name in each classroom; He developed the campus slouch; He had "roll your own" and a pipe or two And a Horseshoe tobacco pouch. His wool grew wild in the winter, T'was sheared like a sheep's in the spring He dozed all day and stayed up all night To see what tomorrow would bring. He haunted the dim-lighted hallways. The steps of the school was his throne. His schooling was picked up through Pathe News. The College Inn was his home. He selected his subjects at random; At each class he always was late; The Acorn Crumbs was his thesis When he chose to graduate. But what of the Bums of tomorrow! What of the Bums of today? The old order changeth to newer And culture is now holding sway, Gealta is smoking perfumed cigarettes, Each day Smiley sports a clean shirt, And all of the bums take a bath every day To remove any traces of dirt. My heart cries aloud in its sorrow; My soul oozes out a faint groan-Oh, give me the old-fashioned bum, whose cord pants Were so grimy they'd stand up alone. Ock This is page forty-four Scene: The President's office. Time: Near the end of the year. As the curtain rises, Alsup can he discerned seated behind the president's desk. He is looking dejectedly at the table, his chin cupped in his hands. Thomas is seated at the left of the room, with his notebook poised on his lap, Alsup: There's nothing we can do, I'm afraid. Thomas: No, I guess not, Bill. Alsup (after a pause): I don't suppose any of the others will be here. Thomas: Probably not. And you can't blame them. Enter President Tracy, Mr. Monson, and Mr. Peterson, exchanging glances. They take adjacent seats at right. After five minutes Hermoine Tracy and Geneva Parr stroll in and sit down at left, Alsup calls the meeting to order and after the usual preliminaries asks for presentation of business. Thomas: I move we approve the purchase of this athletic equipment. We moved to consider it last meeting. Monson: We can't. Where will the money come from? Thomas: Student body funds, I suppose. Peterson: There aren't any, Alsup: Mr, Peterson, when can we get that statement of student body finances: Naturally we can't appropriate money when we don't know what our balance is, Peterson: I'll get it in a few days. Alsup: But you've promised me that ever since October. When school closes will I still be asking for it? Thomas: That depends on your perseverance. Let's not fight that out again now. I move we permit this purchase. Tracy: The state board would never stand for it. Monson: I move we consider it until next meeting. Thomas: (impatiently) The season will practically be over by next meeting. We've considered this item for three weeks now. We've got to settle it. Peterson: Well, I don't see how we can. I just got another bill in for 1931. Here are half a dozen bills left over from 1932 and 1933. And there's still that fifty dollar account from 1930. We'll be sued. Tracy: The state board won't stand for our running a deficit. We can't possibly buy this equipment. (He enlarges on this theme.) Go Alsup and Thomas vote yes: the others vote no. The motion is lost, five to two. The meeting is adjourned. Exit all but Alsup and Thomas. Alsup (tilting back, pensively): Doesn't it seem queer, Earl? We're the officers of the student body, theoretically in control of student body affairs yet we're always outvoted by the faculty. The student body has a treasury; yet we can't even find out how much our balance is, and every check must be signed by the school treasurer, Thomas: If this school had a constitution. Alsup: But we'll never get one. Thomas: No, we tried that last year. Alsup (resignedly): And so, I guess there's nothing we can do. Thomas: We can warn the new president what he's up against. Alsup: Better not, Earl. He'll resign. As the curtain falls, the two are silent, looking as forlorn as a pair of castaways who have just lost their only pocket-knife. This is page forty-five